March 11, 2013

A 15 year reflection

Yesterday was the last church service at the movie theater and I’m not going to lie I cried a little as we sang the last song. They were not tears of sorrow because we were leaving the building, rather tears of joy and amazement as the last fifteen years passed through my mind.
Church started out with someone who had always wanted to speak to us and he spoke via video. It was the building who called himself “Bill”. He spoke about the good times, the spilled drinks, all the people who had came to know Jesus over the past 9 1/2 years. He said he would miss us and hoped another church took our place. I hadn’t even thought of that but what an awesome thing to happen. He even asked if we liked his duct taped carpeting. It sounds kind of crazy but it was really awesome. If it ends up on video I am posting it on my newsfeed.
It was about fifteen years ago that I put in a transfer from the burn unit to labor and delivery. I went to that interview and it was the worst interview ever. Some of the stuff I said was so wrong that I have blocked it completely out of my mind and what I do remember I have never repeated so don’t ask. Also during this time Brian’s sister was going to Abiding Savior Lutheran Church and the day after I got my rejection letter Brian’s mom called me to tell me the school was looking for a school nurse. So I called and it was the last day they were doing interviews. I remember rushing around to get ready and interviewing within an hour. I had no time to prepare what stupid stuff I might say. It was only for 12 hours a week and the pay was 12.50 an hour so I cut my hours in the burn unit to 16 a week and did both jobs until Allyson was born. About a year after I was the nurse Iris the secretary invited me to church. So I went and I loved Pastor Kirk. He was a psych nurse before he went to seminary. He talked faster than my sister so I had no problem keeping up with him. Emily to this day still remembers how fast he talked. It wasn’t too long after this that Pastor Kevin joined as well. Now he was my age, loved football, drank a beer here and there and occasionally said a bad word. (Although I never heard him, he told me he did.) This was someone Brian could relate too because he thought church was all about rules and no fun and certainly no drinking, cussing or football. I guess I talked about Pastor Kevin to the point Brian finally came to check him out. He would eventually join the church and be baptized with Allyson as he was never baptized as a child. His parents also started coming and joined the church as well. It was so cool as they did not go to church when the kids lived at home. So sadly Kevin was called to a new church in Indiana and I just could not adapt to the interim pastor so I went sporadically at best during this time. Oak Bridge church started in October 2003. My sister was invited by Diane and Eric (who were bugging me as well but I was not ready to leave the Lutheran roots just yet) and she started coming and taking my kids to Kid Stuf. Sometime in April my kids wanted to come but she was busy and they threw such a fit I took them. I was blown away that kids were asking their parents to go to church. Kid Stuf had Gordo in it that week and I was hooked. It would be a while before I went to big people church which is probably why I enjoy Kid Stuf best to this day. I joined a small group that fall led by the guy who plays the character Gordo. He was training and did an ironman. I remember thinking that was the craziest coolest thing I had ever heard but there was no way I would ever in my right mind consider doing one. Brian came a few times and had many names for the church. Meat market, cult, and always said if he wanted to go to a rock concert he would buy a ticket. His comments often really hurt my feelings and I stopped inviting him. He continued to go to Abiding Savior. Our anniversary came in 2007 and I was told I was no fun and getting worse and worse in my old age and Brian was never going anywhere with me again. He refused counseling, separation or divorce so I decided I was going to counseling and divorcing his stupid ass. About eight months into counseling it was time for Big Stuf camp. It would be Kayla’s first time and I asked to go as well. God met me there on that beach that summer. For the first time in my ENTIRE life I could feel God’s love for me and other people. I knew in my head people loved me but I had such walls up I could never feel it. When I shared this with Brian upon returning home he told me that was the stupidest thing he had ever heard and the walls went right back up twice as high. By September I had been in counseling for almost a year, Brian still refused to come to even help me and I was at the point of looking for apartments and leaving him. The movie fireproof came out, we saw it, did the love dare twice back to back and you all know the rest of the story. My love dare notes are still on here! That will be five years this September. Sometime in the last two years or so Brian just started getting ready and jumping in the car with us. I had stopped asking him a long time ago to come because of his comments. This year he has came a lot because they cut Kid Stuf down to once a month on Sunday nights so he no longer had to drive separately to avoid kid stuf and come to church. Also during this time I noticed my dad in the back row week after week. He went to church every week as a kid and then once he moved out that was the end of it. He says there is just something about Tom and he really likes him.
So yep I was emotional because I really believe God took over control of my mouth during the interview and made me say such stupid things there was no way they would offer me a job. He knew about the school nurse job and the path that would take. How different my life might have been if I would have taken the job delivering babies. If you would have told me 15 years ago my dad and husband would be in church, my husband would be baptized, his parents would go to church, I would be considering an ironman I would have laughed my head off and said you are the crazy one, not me. However I am crazy and ever so thankful for a movie theater named Bill and every single providential relationship God has sent my way! The theater is a building, I am the church and I can’t wait to see what the church does in the old car dealership!

 

June 16, 2013

Always

Earlier in the week I had a crazy dream I was at walgreens and they were playing Joy FM and the song Always came on and everyone started singing it like a flash mob. It was so bizarre. Well today in church we sang that song and it relates so wellto what is going on in my life. It is crazy. The past two weeks have been crazy with eye opening events and all sorts of stuff. Anyway here are the words to the song. I love it! It was from Big Stuf camp last year so of course it is awesome!

My foes are many, they rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Troubles surround me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
From You Lord, from You Lord

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Oh, my God, He will not delay My refuge and strength always, always

 

August 13, 2013

Finally the camp note

Camp was awesome this year. It was second best to my first year. I should have known this. We arrive the night before camp starts and it officially starts at 5pm. So that morning I got up and run. The last song to play was Broadcast which was the theme of my first camp. And from there is just got better and better.
Not going to lie I was extremely busy seeing kids all week but that is a good thing. It just reinforces I am needed and then I get to keep going to camp. Very few adults go these days and the ones that do are invovled with the small groups with the kids. Due to my ever fluctuating work schedule and crazy hours I cannot even manage to be in an adult small group. Plus the college age kids have really taken off and flown with the teens which is an awesome thing to watch. Pretty much kids were knocking on my door from 7am until midnight. I didn’t even get naps this camp and learned yes I can function on six hours of sleep. A couple times I had just drifted off and the door knocked and I was so delusional the kids were probably thinking they gave this crackhead a nursing liscence. What were they thinking? I made the mile and a half trip to walgreens/walmart at least six times as well as jammed in my training miles. Thinking back to my first camp I remember thinking Alvins Island (t shirt shop) seemed so far away. It’s 1/4 of a mile. Oh how times have changed. Yes some of the adults drove and had cars and I could have borrowed them but it was much easier for me to walk. I get nervous driving other peoples cars. I think next year I will have to keep a log of who came and what I gave them. I would have kids ask can you give me what you gave me yesterday. I would seriously have no clue cause I dished out so many drugs (see my real job back home gives me good practice as the drug pusher) and have to ask them color or symptom. Yes they really give anyone a nursing liscence. BAHAHAHA
The camp theme was Reality. The talks (sermons, sessions whatever you call them) were fantastical. I missed one session cause I took one of the kids to urgent care but I have them all on a memory stick and uploaded to itunes. It started off talking about those closest to you having the most influence. Lightbulbs went off in my head. The music was fabulous as always. Before every talk the skit guys or Lanny (Mr. Big Stuf who started the camp 25 years ago) would make peoples dreams reality. They had people either tweet or hand write out what they would want. Almost immediately Kim came to my mind and so I put in a request for her. She hung out at my house all through high school. Was an athesist when we met her. I am not a jam Jesus down your throat kind of girl but she did go to Big Stuf and changed her mind. Came to church went to camp a couple more times and then her father passed away and we didn’t see her anymore at church. She always loved the bass guitar player so I thought it would be nice to have a shirt signed by him for her. I really didn’t think they would pick me. Sure enough on morning number two I hear where is Rachel hesistate and actually said Moehlmann. Now everyone else would lolly gag getting up to stage but not runner here who on 5 1/2 hours of sleep had already ran 5 miles. No I sprint up to stage. Every session was live streamed and on the internet I will put the link at the end if you want too see me. I’m at minute 34 and after watching it I know why everyone asked me if I was crying. No but I was so dang nervous my voice was cracking. Kim loved her shirt and was surprised I still thought about her. I always called her my fourth daughter so no I will never forget her.
I made it in the ocean. I attempted to swim and that took care of a full ironman dream. No way because it is way too diffcult, I hate swimming and I hate being wet. Decided I’d rather run 50 miles on my 50th birthday. Nope camp did not make me less crazy.
Here is the link, hopefully it works. Feel free to watch any or all. If anyone is considering sending their kids certainly browse through it. It takes a minute or two to load so have more patience than me CR! haha
Camp really is the best week of the year!

 

August 10, 2013

PBSN Convention.

I had the honor and privilege of attending the PBSN convention for the first time in four years. It did not conflict with Big Stuf and it was in St. Louis this year so I had no excuse not to go. I had forgotten how difficult it is for me emotionally. Don’t get me wrong the families are the most incredible and inspiring people I have ever met. It’s just that at some point I always visit the place of why didn’t Andrew survive and be one of these incredible kids. Why do I have to wait to heaven to meet him and how old will he be in heaven when I do? I didn’t talk to many people because I always feel weird not having a PBS kid of my own plus my story is hard. It’s really hard for people to hear if their first child was born with it and they are trying to decide if they want to have another and what are the odds of their second child having it. Pretty low actually, as my SIL always said she should win the lottery every time she plays.
The speakers were fabulous. Most were from children’s and wash u. Their is a doctor from Texas that has been doing genetic research. She had the genomes of the five families with PBS multiplies on the screen. I found “ours” right away. And it brought back memories of Tyler’s pregnancy and things that happened that I had forgotten about. Like being told at 12 weeks it was PBS (again for fourth time) and he would not survive. Two weeks later Tyler bladder was back to normal and the docs couldn’t explain. And here we sit almost nine years later with Tyler being a total maniac normal boy. Anyway back to the research. They thought they may have found the gene as a family where mom had boys from two different husbands all (mom and boys) had mutated gene but then none of the other families did. There is a kid doing his grad research on this. He has less than a year and I pray he finds the gene before his time is up.
A pathologist spoke who’s doing genetic research more on what causes kidney issues such as no kidneys poly cystic kidneys and other anomalies. He was awesome. Showed us embryology in real time cell division and how things formed. It was awesome. Other talks included dialysis and kidney transplant. That is all relevant to me as Brian gave a kidney to his dad ten years ago. His kidney in his dad is doing awesome while Brian’s is acting up and he’s being followed by kidney docs. Brian’s dad has been battling skin cancer which is a side effect of the anti rejection meds. As people are living longer they have found this to be a common side effect.
If you are still reading this is going to be hard to read so I’m warning you. The first day at lunch I sat at a table not knowing anyone. I start talking to a kid who is 24 and doing well. He had 18 surgeries when he was younger and born without a foot so a couple revisions for his prosthetic leg. He then tells me his birthday was Sunday (Andrews). This makes me happy and angry at the same time. Happy for him and pissed because why didn’t my nephew live past six hours. Logically I can give you those answers but emotionally it’s just bullshit and not fair. Turns out the couple (grandparents of PBS kid) celebrated their 40th anniversary on Andrews birthday as well. Ok what are the odds of that? I say that was a providential meeting. That was Thursday. When I was leaving on Friday I got on the elevator with hunter (about 3) and his family. WARNING this is going to sound crazy and like I’m off the deep end so please keep all mean and judgmental comments to yourself as I am very sensitive. As they got off the elevator I said have a great day to hunter. He turned around and looked at me and waved. But it was like his face changed and I got the overwhelming feeling it was Andrew waving and saying don’t be sad aunt Rachel I’m doing great in heaven and I will see you one day soon.
My girls were so sad they didn’t come. It’s suppose to be in Atlanta next year and they called family vacation. As long ad it doesn’t interfere with Big Stuf I told them we would go!!

 

October 1, 2013

Perspectives

Many times in life one has to change their perspective to get through something. Today I went and saw Dr. Larkin. I hadn’t been since January and my goal was to make it an entire year. Too bad my right heel did not agree with me and with three 1/2 marathons coming up I needed to be checked out first. Well I am grateful it is not a stress fracture and a boot for a month. Instead it’s plantar fascititis. Which is a pain in the butt but does not require a boot. The cow bell and the halloween half are out. I had not paid for the rock n roll and since that is iffy at best it’s out too. So I will have two really cool shirts and no medals. This tells me that the reason I did not get chosen for the Chicago Marathon this year is because I would be devastated if I had to miss that. And there is no way I could run a full and not do severe damage.
So now I’m going back to PT for ASTYM on my foot which means no anti inflammatories. And the arch of my foot should feel fantastic. I can hardly wait to schedule. I also get a really cool splint to sleep in as well. Oh the joys.
On a positive note, now I won’t miss church because I’m off running. I should also be in good shape to do the ALS 5K in November. My sisters best friend husband is at the end stages of ALS and this run is for the foundation that he started, RASCALS. Allyson wants to do it with me to help raise money for research. She says she knows it is too late for Bob but hopefully a cure will be found for the next person. A 12 year old perspective. Anyone interested in signing up its sponsored by Big River Running
Fight ALS One Step at a Time 5K Date & TimeSaturday, November 2, 2013 – 9:00amLocationTower Grove Park – St. Louis, MOInformation
Website | Online Registration
Contact Infostlrascals@yahoo.com

 

October 29, 2013

Dr. Hottie Visit

I’m not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know that in his right hand
Stands one who is my savior.

Those were the first words I heard after I left Dr. Larkin’s office and how true they rang. I cannot figure out why God gave me such a love for running and here I am injured again. My visit did not go well but I knew it would not. PT had me run a couple times in the past five days and I feel like I am almost back to square one. After running on Sunday 3 miles I could barely walk. So now running is out again for a minimum of four weeks. He asked me about swimming and I told him the pool is closed. He told me to join the Y. I said do you want to pay for that. He told me I was crabby and he was right. I am crabby and disappointed. He even had an orange tie on and looked SUPER HOT but I could hardly appreciate it in my sorry ass feel sorry for myself state of mind.
So anyway four more weeks of ASTYM and therapy. If not better then we go anti inflammatories. He really wanted me to switch shoes but I pointed out since I have went to minimalist running shoes I have not tripped or fallen unless you count getting tangled up in the breast pump and phone cord at work. Those who walk out with me at work may have noticed I no longer stumble my way down the surgery center hallway.
So heres my personal plan of care. No running for four weeks. Seriously consider joining the rec center and start swimming. Use my boring stationary bike. If I’m still having issues switch my running shoes back to skechers go run and wear my merrels to work. Brian will have a fit if I buy new shoes again so I will have to hold out for a bit. If he was only married to a normal girl who has twenty pair of shoes he would have to go to therapy to cope!
Now to be depressed for the rest of the day which will go perfect for the horrible weather going on outside! Maybe I pop in Jillian buns of steel and work out some aggression!