October 12, 2008
The movie Fireproof and The Love Dare (Day 1)
This past Friday Brian and I went to see the movie Fireproof because my friend Megan suggested we see it together. It is about a firefighter whose wife wants a divorce. Well when he calls his dad to tell him he is getting divorced his dad challenges him to take this 40 day love dare (biblically based) and after the 40 days make a decision. The movie really hit home for both Brian and I. I would suggest anyone that is in a relationship and certainly if married go see this movie. I won’t say much else about it because I don’t want to spoil it. My husband called it a “God flick” rather than a “chick flick” We then decided to do the love dare together. It is a real book which I have ordered off of Amazon.com. However the first chapter is available on line with the first five days in it. So I printed each one of us a copy and we started today.
Today’s dare was to not say anything negative to your spouse. It is better to hold your tongue. Well I got up for church and took the jeans out of the dryer and realized I had washed and dried Brian’s wallet. Nothing like him being tested within the first hour of the day. He said nothing mean but rather spread all his money and cards all over the dresser to dry. He did tempt me by saying I had ruined his get into PT’s free cards which I just nicely told him he didn’t need those things anyway he has me.
I was also tested because my sister told her husband he could drink. Brian had no beer in the house but her husband was so kind as to give him one. This made me so freaking mad! I get so sick of hearing that beer relaxes him. Well guess what smoking relaxed me and I gave it up because my whole family found it offensive. But since I couldn’t say anything negative I kept my mouth shut and only pray that maybe by the end of the 40 days he won’t need that crutch anymore.
So a new dare starts tomorrow except the negative thing continues for the entire 40 days. Holy crap I would ask all of you to pray for me because really I am one of the most negative people around. My counselor kindly pointed that out to me many months ago. I tried working on it for a while but it got lost in the shuffle of all the other crap I am dealing with. However for the next 39 days it will be first and foremost in my mind so maybe I can leave the negative behind.
October 13, 2008
The Love Dare Day 2
So today’s challenge was to do something nice for your spouse. I had a plan all worked out which ended up being rejected. I couldn’t decide if I was more mad because of the rejection or the simple fact I would have to think of something else. So I decided well I could cut the grass since Brian worked on leveling the yard all weekend. Except when I got up and looked I could tell it did not need to be cut. So I was once again back to square one. Then I decided I would fix dinner as I never cook on Mondays. Brian golf’s and I hate cooking for me and the girls. Did I mention I was working tonight and no one would be home to eat? Brian would be home at 8 or so and my sister was feeding my kids. So I made a crock pot meal just for him. I am not sure if he ate any tonight but I know he will have it for lunch tomorrow. Brian did come home for lunch today since he is working 5 minutes from the house. We had a really nice talk.
Don’t forgot I am also not to say anything negative to Brian as well. I could have ripped him a new butt this evening on the phone. Of course it is related to this stupid pool we have been trying to get put in since I think June. Anyway they are ready to come set it up tomorrow but we have to have 8 tons of sand delivered to go between the dirt and the pool. Well he had decided long ago our brother in law could get the sand cheap at the quarry. So he calls Kenny today and it is 40 for the sand and 130 to deliver it. WTF is up with that anyway. I really want to say stupid you should have called around like I told you to months ago but instead I just agreed with him that it was outrageous! So tomorrow morning he gets to call the pool people bright and early to see how much their people charge. I am really thankful we got in a huge fight a couple of months ago and I told him I was making no phone calls related to this pool!
PS The get into PT’s free cards are still laying on our dresser, everything else went back into Brian’s wallet. This is huge and maybe it was his nice thing to do for me. Looking forward to tomorrow even if I have to see counselor nazi!
October 14, 2008
The Love Dare Day 3
Today’s dare was to buy a little gift for your spouse. Well for me that was pretty simple. The first thing I picked out was a new wallet since I had washed Brian’s two days prior. I also put a nice little love note in it. The second thing I got him was a 12 pack of orange mountain dew. He loves the stuff and it is very rarely I think to pick it up. Especially when he tells me he is not addicted to caffeine. Ha Ha.
Brian went to Walgreen’s to get my gift. Some of you may remember my birthday present and mothers day present which was cans of mixed nuts from Walgreen’s. Well this time I got movie theater popcorn and a card. Wow the card was like amazing. He certainly didn’t grab the first thing he ran across because it talked about a lot of stuff we have talked about over the past few days. It was awesome.
This negative thing really sucks and we were both tested today and did amazingly well. The sand was delivered today and since my husband waited till the last minute to set it up it cost him about fifty bucks more. I so wanted to say if you had only listened to me and got on this 2 or 3 weeks ago you wouldn’t be having this problem. Instead I just told him it really sucked that it cost so much. So I wrote the check and gave it to the guy when he dropped it off.
So I am taking Allyson to violin when my phone rings and it is Brian. Apparently I wrote the check out for one hundred and 30/100 instead of one hundred and thirty so the guy had to come back to our house to get the right amount. Now remember Brian had all his money drying all over our dresser so I knew he could cover it. Now he could have made fun of me something terrible and been very rude but instead he had a fun time laughing about it.
The past 3 days have been wonderful! Looking forward to seeing what day 4 brings tomorrow. Oh and our books came today and Brian said thank God because all his papers are stapled upside down. I really think it is time to check out the nursing homes for me!
PS If you are wondering what exactly Brian did for me yesterday to be nice well just another test of patience. He picked a rose off the rosebush out front and laid it on my pillow. However because I didn’t come stumbling into bed until 1:30 I didn’t even see it and somehow it fell under the head of the bed. We found it tonight which was kind of fun because at first I was convinced he was just saying it to watch me crawl over the floor like a nut! It was one of the purple ones in a bud form, very pretty considering it had been out of water for like 24 hours!
October 15, 2008
The Love Dare Day 4
So today’s dare was to randomly call your spouse for no other reason than to ask how their day was and if there was anything you could do for them. In the reading portion today it was mentioned that once a couple gets married the man feels he has his “trophy” and the girl has her man. So I attempted to call Brian except he must have been in a dead zone at work so I left him a message saying “Hi this is your trophy, I hope you are having a good day at work. If you need me to do anything give me a call.” He came home at lunch and while in the kitchen asked if he could bring me anything. He did not call me at work tonight which was probably a good thing because the place was insane, I was extremely short tempered and I might have just been really negative. I used all my burn unit dressing skills tonight. I so hate when people use tape to hold a dressing in place~especially that super sticky see through stuff. Oops sorry, I am suppose to be talking about the love dare night my crazy job.
I have looked ahead to tomorrows dare. It is going to be tough but you will have to wait till then to know what it is and how it plays out!
October 16, 2008
The Love Dare Day 5
So today’s dare was to ask your spouse to tell you 3 things about yourself that annoys them. I should mention today’s reading was love is not rude. Of course I worked tonight which means Brian and I did not see each other at all. So I left a note on his pillow listing my 3 things, none of which should have been surprising to him. 2 of them he has been working on the past few weeks, not sneaking off to bed without saying goodnight and calling when he is going to be late. The other I am choosing not to post about at this time. So anyway I was all nervous about getting my list and I come home and there is nothing. I checked the computer room and my pillow so I came to the conclusion that I have been right all along, I am perfect. Oh ha ha ha. So I guess he is still going to be on day 5 tomorrow while I move right on to day 6. Maybe he is waiting to tell me personally tomorrow. I guess I will know soon!
Till tomorrow nights note, everyone reading have a great night/day! My kids are off school tomorrow so I am sleeping in!
October 17, 2008
Love Dare Day 6
Today’s dare was an individual one and is concerning love is not irritable. So was suppose to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of irritation. The book described irritable as being locked, loaded and ready to strike. Wow that has pretty much described my behavior for the past 3 weeks prior to the start of this dare. I would just wait for Brian to say the wrong thing and then attack attack attack. So this is tough and today was tough because I woke up in a horrible mood. Even though I slept for 8 hours straight I felt exhausted. I took a nap at 2 only to be woken up to Emily & Kayla poking and fighting. I so wanted to scream from the other room to shut the blank up but I chose to get up instead and come smack them both lightly in the head and thank them for waking me up in such a crappy manner. They then proceeded to smack me back and we all laughed. Much better way. I was beyond stressed because I knew Kayla was getting her hair cut later on which ended up taking almost 3 hours. Kayla did not tell the girl she was hurting her when she was razoring her hair till Kayla was in tears. Well then the girl felt so bad she kept apologizing and told a couple other girls until Kayla completely shut down into her selective mutism stage. I forgot to warn the girl this could happen. So anyway Kayla loves her hair and I will post a picture tomorrow with Love Dare Day 7.
Oh and I asked Brian where my list of 3 things were and he said it was too much to write them all down. I said funny I had the same problem so I picked the top 3. He was like what the heck. First of all that was not the reaction he expected as I said it in a very joking manner instead of flying off the handle and saying he had more stuff wrong then I did. Then I told him well I knew it I was perfect and had nothing to fix. All joking aside he told me he did not like the dare and he wasn’t going to do it. So I said that was ok but I can’t fix what I am not aware of and today would be the day to say it since I am not suppose to be irritable. However he went to bed and never addressed it so I guess I got off way easier than he did because he got his 3 yesterday. Hopefully soon he will feel “safe” sharing that information with me.
Well I had more to say but I forgot what it was. I am going to be soon because I want to feel more rested tomorrow!
October 18, 2008
The Love Dare Day 7
I am posting early tonight because my house has been over taken by teenagers. they are watching the love guru in the living room and Brian is downstairs cussing at the Mizzou game. I just finished cleaning the bathroom and really have nothing else to clean. So anyway onto the dare for the day.
Today was love believes the best and it talked about two rooms in your heart. One is the appreciation room and the other is of course the depreciation room. The appreciation room has all the positive attributes of your spouse and were most likely written early in the relationship. Of course the other room contains the things that really bother and irritate you about your spouse. I can honestly say I have spent way too much time in the deprecation room rather than the appreciation room. They say it is where divorce is plotted and fights for the next argument. So the goal is to just glance at the bad room to know how to pray for your spouse and focus on the positives.
The dare was to make a list of both the positive and negatives and hide it away for later. I am thinking this will involve a day later on. So I made my list and Brian has yet to do his. I think he hates writing worse than reading if that is possible. So by the end of the day we were suppose to tell each other one positive attribute. my husband told me it was the way I cleaned the kitchen (a hopeless romantic I tell you) and I said it was his beautiful brown eyes with the killer long eyelashes.
I must say had I done this list on day 1, I wouldn’t have been able to think of a single positive thing. this love dare thing really has me changing the way I think and since I am so negative this is a good thing!
October 19, 2008
The Love Dare Day 8
So today was love is not jealous and it explained jealous in such a way that the song How He Loves Us where it says “He (God) is jealous for me” makes perfect sense. Prior to that I just didn’t really get it so in case I wasn’t the only one I’ll try and explain it briefly. Legitimate jealousy is based upon love and sparks when the person who belongs to you turns his heart away from you and replaces you with someone else. So God has this kind of righteous jealousy for us in that he deeply longs for us, desiring for us to keep Him as our first love. He doesn’t want us letting anything else take precedence over Him in our hearts.
So it’s easy to become jealous of ones spouse when in fact we are to be their biggest cheerleader so today’s dare was to burn the negative list we made yesterday and to tell our spouse a major accomplishment of them that we are really proud. Didn’t I try and tell Brian this yesterday he needed to write this stuff down. He said he burned it in his head which really is a shame since he is a pyromaniac and missed burning a piece of paper. Heck yeah I burned mine and it was a very intense feeling. Letting go of all that stuff and putting it behind me. I didn’t even read it before I set it on fire, I didn’t care anymore. Brian did seem shocked when I told him I had about 15 positive things about him on the good list. Brian tried to tell me that my accomplishment was passing the med surg certification test and I said I won’t know for another 3 weeks so when I pass he can make a big deal.
Now switch back to day 5 when we were suppose to list 3 things that bug us. Well I got my list today which caught me off guard. None of them should have surprised me but the time management did and I ended up asking him what he meant by that. He tried to tell me I wasn’t suppose to be asking him and I said look I think I do a pretty good job, the kids go to all their doctor appointments, all the bills are paid on time, all the laundry is done etc. Well then I remembered he thinks I should get up at say 8 am and clean for 4 hours and then relax whereas I am wired to relax first and clean later. This can be seen by the fact that I worked on the house from about 4 to 8pm last night. The other two, I am not hard enough on the kids and my negative talk. So areas for me to work on. Darn I should have known I am not perfect!
Tomorrow is our anniversary 18 years. I originally wanted an orange ipod but I want him to engrave it (free) with something nice. He said tonight they have them at Target and I told him to wait till after the love dare and then give it to me. I told him just to pick me up some sort of 2 for 1 deal at Walgreen’s and a nice card. Now I just need to figure out what sort of crazy gift I can give him…..
October 20, 2008
The Love Dare Day 9
So today was love makes good impressions and was all about the way you greet your spouse. Although this may seem trivial it is a big deal. They even mentioned in the reading about saying goodnight to one other. So I guess Brian now realizes I am not a crackhead after all, this is an important thing to do. Because nothing bugs me more than when he sneaks off to bed without saying goodnight. Of course since we work opposite shifts we never really greet each other in the morning. Hello I cannot function at 5 am. So anyway when Brian came home tonight he greeted me with a very heartfelt happy anniversary.
Although I was busy all day between the orthodontist, taking Emily to the doctor, cleaning Kayla and Allyson’s room and picking Sierra up from school I still managed to make a trip to target and get Brian a card and two collared shirts that he can wear to golf.
He worked late today and never left the house so all I got was the happy anniversary greeting. However don’t be too upset because he is all in with this love dare and that is a bigger gift than any store bought present.
Wow tomorrow we will be 1/4 of the way done!
October 21, 2008
The Love Dare Day 10
Well today’s note will be short because my feelings are hurt pretty bad. Today was do something nice for the other person and as far as I can tell my husband did not do damn thing. Oh I guess I could say he actually put all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher but he really should do that every night. I guess I expected him to at least take 5 minutes out of his day and get me a card for our anniversary or a just because card. So I am leaving a note in his lunchbox letting him know just how much it hurt me about our anniversary. You know he could have bought me some flowers or wrote a note and said I love you or called me at work or something. I take my counselors words to heart tonight MEN REALLY ARE RELATIONSHIP RETARDED!!!!
October 22, 2008
The Love Dare Day 11
Well in as yesterday was horrible today was awesome.
I just have to figure out where to start. I will start with the text for today. It talked about 2 different guys, one had an old car that would cost more to fix than it was worth so he decided to trade it in for a better model. The second guy broke his hand so he spent a fortune on doctors to fix it and nurse it back to health. When a guy and a girl get married they are to become one person so when things go bad too often people resort to the first choice in just trade the spouse in. However would a person just chop their own hand off instead of having surgery to fix it. So to attempt to get rid of your spouse is sort of the same. Now I understand why divorce is so painful, I guess it is like hacking off body parts and that part is gone. Ok I think I am rambling so today’s dare was to do something to show your spouse that you cherish them.
So I did indeed leave a note in my husbands lunchbox telling him how hurt I was over the whole no card thing. I told him 2 years ago I probably wouldn’t have really cared or if it did bother me, I would have stuffed it so far down I wouldn’t have felt any pain. EXCEPT I would be cussing like a sailor and so angry and have no clue for my behavior. I made sure the note was not accusatory or any sort of that theme and I concluded that I truly loved him.
Keep in mind that we do not read ahead. For example when I get up in the morning (it’s midnight right now) I will read day 12 and I won’t read 13 till the next day. So I got up with Allyson at 7 and as soon as she was out the door I went back to bed because I worked last night. I did not read my book yet. So the phone rings at like 8:15 and I am barely conscience but it is Brian telling me that the pool people are coming today. (My father told me before we bought the thing that many of his friends almost divorced over the whole pool thing and I can totally understand why). Then he starts rambling about the whole card thing and then apologizes of his own free will. For those of you that don’t know my husband NEVER apologizes for anything. Well at least not up until a year ago when I started counseling. When I said something to his mother she told me “his dad never apologizes so he won’t either.” No comment. So I thanked him for apologizing and then he says I will get on the internet and figure out how to order your orange ipod. If I hadn’t been half asleep I would have dropped the phone. I had told him a month ago what I wanted and I want him to engrave something nice and he just kept aggravating me saying he was getting it from target. So for him to volunteer to navigate the internet was huge.
After we hung up I got up and read today’s thing in the book and I was just overwhelmed with a feeling of love from him. Gee that sounds really gay but everyone knows I am gay and I can’t really describe it any other way.
Oh he did tell me that he if he got me a card now it would be rather dorky. I said no kidding but that dork thing is on the positive list. You see we were fixed up on a blind date and my friend decided he would be perfect for me because I liked skinny guys. So I didn’t see a picture of him or anything but I can remember him walking up to the door like it was yesterday. He was 5′ 11″ and weighed maybe 125 pounds. He was wearing jeans and an A/C D/C Fly on the wall concert t-shirt. I was a very straight arrow back then and would not have been caught dead listening to KSHE 95 much less hard rock. So I thought to myself man this guy is a dork but by the end of the night that “dorkiness” had won me over and I announced to my mother that I would marry him one day.
So for my dare challenge today I wrote him a note with step by step instructions on how to order this ipod. My attitude before was if he loved me he would figure it out himself. My attitude today was this computer stuff comes so easy for me that the least I could do is give him easy instructions. I truly cherished him today and then signed my name the computer genius/hacker!
And that is the end of Day 11. I look forward to what tomorrow brings!
October 23, 2008
The Love Dare Day 12
Today’s theme was love let’s the other one win. This really hit home for me as I am always right. I am highly stubborn and so is my husband and all three of our children. Each child came out more stubborn than the previous one so it’s a good thing we didn’t have a fourth because it probably would have four legs and resembled a mule!
Of course the opposite of stubbornness is willingness so it talked about stepping back and letting your spouse win instead of both digging your heels in and refusing to back down. One of the scenarios was going to counseling. I so smiled as I read that because I have been asking my husband to go with me for a year and he stubbornly refuses every single time. He has had some of the most bizarre excuses my favorite though is they are voodoo people who get mind control over you and you have to go for the rest of your life. Oh ok! Then also he has said I don’t like those people. I responded with how would you know you have never met a counselor in your life.
I know in my heart his main reason for his refusing is FEAR! I knew for years I needed to go and when my husband told me last year he would never go away alone with me again and then refused counseling, separation or divorce I finally got over my fear and decided “screw you I am going to counseling get myself better and divorce your dumb butt.” Of course my cussing was totally out of control a year ago so that isn’t exactly how I phrased.
So today’s dare was to give into an area of disagreement. since I worked tonight and we did not see each other I have not done this yet. I will share that we fight every winter over what to set the heat on. I have slowly lowered it down from 76 (what we keep it on in the summer) to 72 but I refuse to go any lower. I can’t take it as my feet go numb. Well Brian likes to turn it down behind my back so I decided if I came home tonight and it was back on 69 I would just turn it up and keep my mouth shut. Normally I would wake him up and yell at him and tell him I am quitting my job if he won’t let the heat be where I am comfortable. Well he didn’t touch the heat tonight so either he was freezing (highly unlikely) or maybe because he read the book. I have no clue!
Looking forward to tomorrow! I am off work and I am pretty excited to see him. I have actually missed him. Wow not sure where that is coming from because I haven’t really felt this way in YEARS. But let me tell you, it is a pretty incredible feeling!
October 24, 2008
The Love Dare Day 13
So today was love fights fair and the dare was to come up with a list of rules for fighting. Such as no name calling, not going to bed mad etc. So not too long after Brian got home from work he did indeed mention this.
Originally we were suppose to go to the Seckman football game tonight to watch Emily march in the band. But since she has been home sick all week she could not perform. Which meant I didn’t have to freeze to death watching football. I really think Emily has mono and they drew blood today so we should know the results by Monday at the latest. Anyhow I used the opportunity for date night and Brian and I went out to eat so we could discuss the rules. As usual he started trying to aggravate me by saying the rules are no pulling hair, no pinching and that sort of stuff. I told him nice try, I know he is taking this stuff seriously and he is just trying to bug me. We had a great dinner. When we got home we watched Dan in Real Life. I tried to watch that movie on the way home from Big Stuf but they didn’t turn it on until after 11 and after a week of no sleep I couldn’t make it to the end. It was pretty funny.
Brian was telling me today he was looking in the movie section of the paper and Fireproof had a very tiny blurb about what it was and no star rating because it was a Christian film. He seemed rather irritated by the whole thing. I did find out Kirk Cameron was on Dr. Phil 9/25 and since I have like 25 episodes DVR that I have not watched I actually have that one so hopefully we can watch it together sometime before stupid football is on. My husband is back at a job where they have a pool every week that whoever gets the most teams right wins the money. I had forgotten how crabby he gets when the teams lose until last week when he was just silly and I asked him if he was betting or something and sure enough the pool is back!
Tomorrow will be day 14 and 2 weeks. Wow it is really going fast!
October 25, 2008
The Love Dare Day 14
Today was love takes delight in each other and the dare was to neglect a project I would normally do
and do something with my spouse. Well I thought maybe he would neglect this pool jazz and go with us to Arnold Days but that didn’t happen. However, in his goofy “romantic” way he told me he wanted me to come out and help him with the pool chemicals. I just stood there and talked to him while he dumped stuff in.
Today was more of a challenge in that somebody turned the heat down to 69 last night so I woke up at 8 am with my nose freezing and ready to kill. But of course I then remembered my promise a few notes back about not getting into a stupid argument over it. So I jumped up, turned the heat back up to 72 where it belongs and laid in bed till it got warm again and then went downstairs and did Wii Fit. Well somebody again turned the heat down to 69 and I turned it back up to 72. I was fuming and ready to kill him but then did the reading today and it talked about arguing over stupid stuff. He has since turned the heat down two more times and I have turned it right back up. Since I always go to bed much later than him, I will win this battle. If I hadn’t already given up 4 degrees of heat and I didn’t have the numb feet problem I might be willing to compromise a little more! Oh and when I changed the sheets today I purposefully put on the pink flannel ones. He hates them but if he is going to freeze me out then he is going to sleep like a girl. And that is my story for the day!
October 26, 2008
The Love Dare Day 15
I am not sure how to even describe today except bizarre. The reading was about honor but my husband read it as horror and couldn’t figure out exactly how that worked. I am starting to wonder if he really did graduate from high school, I think I might have saw his diploma once but when I was doing a 40th wedding anniversary photo album for his parents gift, I could only find graduation pictures of his brother and sister. So it makes one wonder….
Anyway to honor someone is to give them high respect, treat them as special and of great worth. Wow and it only increased in intensity from there. It went on to say that your spouse should be “holy”. Not in the sense that they are perfect but they are set apart for a higher purpose and no longer common or everyday but special and unique. It was then compared to a wedding dress in that after a girl wears it she puts it away in a special place and does not wear it to pull weeds in. Now if your name is Rachel you let your sister wear your dress, the bottom gets all screwed up and you give it goodwill. After all you have pictures of the stupid thing so why would it need to be stored in a box that looks like a casket for crying out loud. I guess my husband should watch it or he will be in the goodwill pile next. Oh totally joking!!
So the dare for today was to do something out of the ordinary for your spouse to show you honor them. I had full intentions of cleaning the inside of Brian’s nasty truck for him. He is always asking me to do his when I do mine but yet I always refuse. Of course my life really is a comedy of errors so let me tell you what happened instead.
Ok this stupid pool we have been trying to put in since the end of June is finally done (I will post pictures either tonight or tomorrow). The wall is finished and Brian invited his parents over today to help cover the thing and close it and then we were going to feed them dinner. So we get the pool all covered and I actually helped. This really is huge for me because I hate being outside and never want to do this sort of stuff. Well they didn’t even ask me to help I just barged right on in and helped. So they were all outside pouring water on the cover and I decided to start on dinner. Remember the retaining wall is finished and it is kind of fun to walk on. Well my mother in law was walking on it and didn’t realize the drop off of about 4 inches down to the next row and fell. She came in and sat down and the minute I looked at her arm I knew it was broke. So we snuck over to urgent care without the guys knowing to have it looked at. We were in and out in an hour and she came home with this nice temporary cast on up to her elbow and a sling. So when we came back Brian and his dad were so shocked they could only be nice.
Brian has wanted a pool since the day we got married and I always told him they were too dangerous. I really thought someone would drown which is why I waited till all the kids were old enough to swim. Who could have imagined that my mother in law would break her arm and our first injury would occur before we EVEN got to swim in the stupid thing! So I asked Brian if he thought taking his mother to urgent care could count as today’s dare and he said he thought so and then told me he tried to figure out all day how to horror me. Well I put on my old sweat pants and bent over and had carpenters butt so I told him I just “horrored” him instead. We are such DORKS!
Looking forward to Day 16 and hopefully my husband doesn’t have dyslexia again for that word whatever it may be!!
The Love Dare Day 16
So today was love intercedes and it talked about not being able to change your spouse. How many times have I said if Brian would only do this, then it would be better. The only person one can change is yourself and God has to change the rest. Of course God also helps you change yourself. The whole purpose of the book is not to change your spouse but about daring you (me) to love. So the dare for today was to pick 3 things to pray for your spouse about. Now this was fairly easy for me to do.
I highly considered asking God to make Brian freezing cold so that we would no longer fight about the heat but then I figured I wasn’t wasting a good prayer on something so silly. We did agree tonight that I would turn the heat down to 69 when I go to bed if he would crank it back up to 72 before he leaves in the morning. That way the house is warm before the girls and I get up. So I am willing to try it and see how it goes.
Ok prayer number 1 is that Brian would take God out of the box. He seems to think as long as he goes to church on Sunday for his hour and he checks it off he is good for the week. He refuses to come to church with me “because I am not wasting 3 hours of a Sunday on church.” I did tell him that no where does it say that you have to spend 3 hours at church but when it is the BEST 3 hours of the week it sure goes by fast.
Prayer number 2 that Brian would become more compassionate. Remember yesterday how when his mom broke her arm, we snuck out of the house because she was afraid her husband would get mad because she hurt herself. I could so totally relate to this. I could see Brian getting all bent out of shape and calling me stupid for falling. Brian and his father are a lot a like. When Emily had chicken pox down the back of her throat (I was at work) and she was crying he started yelling at her. Probably because he didn’t know what else to do. I’ll never forget when my mom was going through chemo and was on her second to last treatment she really thought she was going to die. She was carrying on about it and Brian looked at her and told her people who were dying didn’t cry and carry on about it, she would be just fine. So I would say he could use just a tad bit of compassion. It’s a good thing I am rarely sick!
Prayer number 3 in that Brian would learn how to speak my love language and show me love the way I best receive it.
Update on my mother in law she did indeed break her hand and is in a hard cast for at least 3 weeks. Brian is talking about putting bushes around the wall so no one will walk on it. I said are you kidding walking on it is the best part. Emily has been out of school for 6 days. Her mono test came back negative but her IgG shows that she has had it in the past. So I have no idea what is wrong with her. Dr. Sato is suppose to call on Wednesday to discuss the rest of her lab work. The nurse said it looked normal but in my paranoid state of mind I thought what if she is saying that because nurses are not suppose to be interpreting lab results even though we are perfectly capable.
Looking forward to day 17 although I have to work all evening which sometimes makes the dare a bit of a challenge. Oh and my husband had still not changed over to his new wallet so tonight I took everything out of the old (which was ripping apart) and left him with the new. Maybe I should have prayed that change would be easier for him!
October 28, 2008
The Love Dare Day 17
Today was love promotes intimacy and I so planned to call Brian tonight and talk to him about this except for one problem. Work was a living nightmare tonight, I felt like I was lost in a swamp land. I can’t even explain why it was so crazy but it was. Maybe it was the demanding patients and by the time I settled them it was like 9:30 and I knew someone would be in bed, plus my head started pounding and I thought I was going to puke. I took some motrin so I can at least type this out tonight.
So back to the subject, it talked about your spouse being a safe person to share things with. That you should be able to tell them anything without feeling nervous or anything. So weird because Brian and I had this conversation probably six weeks ago and when I told him he was not safe he got very upset. I think he may have taken safe in the wrong context but here is why I would say he is not safe. At Big Stuf this summer for the first time in my entire life I felt God actually loved me. A few months back a wise person asked me how God would describe me and I just looked at her blankly and said I have no idea. I could not even give Pastor Tom’s answer “I am the chosen child of the most high God.” When I was watching Fireproof and the husband’s father told him God loved and cared about him he responded with something to the effect I highly doubt it, he probably doesn’t even know me. That may not even be close to what he said but it is what I heard and how I really felt prior to this summer. So anyway we did cardboard testimony’s at church (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm6PDtY0XLI) and when I showed Brian mine which said Felt unloved my entire life, he started laughing at me. Then he started arguing with me telling me that my parents loved me. I told him I never said no one loved me I said I didn’t feel that love. He still cannot comprehend this and that is exactly why I told him he is not safe. I never know if he is going to laugh at me, argue with me, criticize me or make me feel stupid. So I was blown away when the love dare spoke of this so now he knows I am not crazy~ he is. Ha Ha!
The dare today was to really listen to your spouse and make them feel safe. Well we didn’t talk on the phone tonight but I can tell you that I feel just a tiny bit safer with Brian than I did 17 days ago so it’s one day at a time. Looking forward to tomorrow.
October 29, 2008
The Love Dare Day 18
Love seeks to understand was today’s theme. The book spoke about how when you first met your spouse you wanted to know everything about them. You could talk for hours, you would study their likes and dislikes, you wanted to know everything about them etc. Then you get married and you realize this person is not perfect but has a bunch of annoying flaws. Over time you just don’t really care as much and yet if by the time you were married you could compare knowing your spouse to graduating from college then you should spend the rest of your life working on your masters and your PhD. This probably sounds a little corny but I could so relate.
If I am honest and think back to the past 5 years I could really care less what Brian was thinking. I didn’t really want to know anything about him, I just wanted him to leave me alone. This makes me sad as I type this and it is a horrible way to feel. But something weird has really happened over the past 18 days and I can’t explain it. I do want to know what his hopes/fears/goals etc. are. The dare for tonight was to make dinner and then eat alone with each other and learn something new about the other. Of course this was impossible because I was at work so I am hoping we can do this on Saturday. I was planning on Friday and then I remembered it was Halloween and we are having family over so that will not work out!
I did manage to call Brian tonight and we talked about yesterday. He did confirm that maybe I am not crazy after all when I spoke about the whole safe thing 6 weeks ago. Oh thank you so much Megan (again) for recommending the movie. For it was certainly divine intervention.
Looking forward to day 19
October 30, 2008
The Love Dare Day 19
It is 1:20 in the morning and I just got in from work. It was an insane crazy shift and the next time I feel like I have a blood clot in my lung I am calling in sick. The next time I decide I can be secretary, charge and have 3 patients just knock me out with some valium or something. It wouldn’t have been too bad if we wouldn’t have had so many patients leave and then be the only place in the hospital with girl beds. We were totally full again by the time I left and the powers to be were mad that the heat is still not working in 61.
So this means I am not hunting my book down but will just go from my memory this morning. Today really had not a lot to do with the spouse but more yourself. The reading was about the only way to love your spouse unconditionally is to accept God into your heart and let him love you first. So weird because a couple of days ago I was talking about that whole beach experience and feeling God’s overwhelming love for me for the first time. Well the way my heart has changed towards my husband in the past 19 days, it has to be God for sure. I accepted Jesus as my get out of hell free card back when I was 8 years old and going to a scary Baptist church that every week would do an alter call and say stuff such as if Jesus is calling your name and you don’t come down here now and accept him into your heart and you die this week you will burn in hell. It’s no wonder I am such a mess! I attempted to start a journey with him five years ago but it hasn’t become intense until the past year. I recommend it for everyone.
Kayla called me at work because she needed something for a school project. I had looked for it at Target on Monday and then worked the past 3 evenings and forgot about it. So I had Brian get on the phone and I asked him to take her out. Of course he started his usual freaking out, I don’t want to leave the house to go anywhere routine. Funny how it is ok for me to run all over town and then go work 8 hours but since he works first he feels he should sit in his chair the whole evening. this was around 8 and I totally lost it and said You know I can’t discuss this with you, I am in charge, I am secretary, I have 3 patients, I haven’t eaten dinner so I will just go to Wal-Mart on the way home and I hung up. I almost burst into tears because I thought dammit here we go again, this is exactly why I wanted to leave in the first place. About 30 minutes later Kayla called me back to tell me Brian took her to Walgreen’s (practically walking distance from our house) and took care of it. So I smiled and thought maybe he is learning after all. My love language is acts of service so that was huge. I put a happy Halloween card in his lunch box, apologized for my psychotic behavior and told him I looked forward to spending Halloween with HIM tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be the 1/2 part. It is really going by fast! Peace to everyone who is reading these crazy notes!
October 31, 2008
The Love Dare Day 20
Love is Jesus Christ was today’s theme. Basically talked about accepting Jesus into your heart. That was the dare as well so not really much for me to write about today.
I am still feeling pretty sick, although it doesn’t hurt to breath so I suppose my blood clot dissolved on it’s own. Halloween was nice and peaceful.
I am really tired so chalk day 20 up to short and sweet.
And Brian said he liked his card but he liked being hung up on yesterday better. So I still have a lot of work to do!
November 1, 2008
The Love Dare Day 21
Today’s reading was more of the same as the last two days. So really nothing to report in that area since I accepted Jesus as God’s son a long time ago. I did ask Brian about it and he said he did when he was younger but he didn’t have the same experience as me so he can’t remember. In that he wasn’t about scared to death he was going to burn in hell. Religion can really put weird ideas in your head. After all the same church that said every week about burning in hell also told me that I would go to hell because I wore pants during the week. It was all so crazy. Anyway I guess that is why the church I go to know focuses way more on the relationship than a bunch of rules.
The dare was to start reading in the bible and it suggested either Proverbs or the Gospels. So I actually did read Proverbs 1. Suppose to read it every day but somehow I doubt I will make a 77 day streak like my exercise program but we’ll see.
I think today (since I did not write last night but this am) goes back to other stuff. I sort of looked ahead.
November 2, 2008
The Love Dare Day 22
Well my husband almost moved back in today but decided the weather was too nice. I am talking about his truck people what did you think I meant? Our pool was delivered on like June 28 to his side of the garage and today for the first time his side is empty but he just isn’t ready for his truck to sleep next to my car.
I thought I would start that off with humor because today was pretty deep. The reading was love is faithful. The two greatest commandments~love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. This love is suppose to distinguish us a Christ’s disciples. Then it talked about what to do if your love is rejected by your spouse. It told the story of Hosea who was told by God to marry Gomer a prostitute and after 3 children she left him to go back to her ways. God eventually told him to seek her out and forgive her which he did. Then it spoke about how many times we reject God’s love and he is right there waiting for us so that is what we should do for other people. So in God we have the model of what rejected loved does, it stays faithful.
Then it went on to speak about how after marriage the relationship dwindles down to the point your spouse becomes the enemy. Then from there it can progress to the point of betrayal or unfaithfulness. At this point it is the beginning of the end either the person quickly files for divorce or to protect their own reputation more than their own happiness they decide to keep the charade going. However they have no intention of liking it or loving the other person again.
After I read that I thanked God Brian and I had not reached that point. I think I have said before we still loved each other but not had a clue what to do or how to get out of the terrible habits that we are in.
Today’s dare was to love your spouse period, even if they don’t choose to love you. So before I went to church I hopped in Brian’s lap (ok so he couldn’t walk the rest of the day~kidding) and I told him I have decided I am going to be a prostitute for the next 3 years and then I will come back to you. I told him I would split the money with him and he said sweet. I did tell him I loved him” with an even though” but this is a PG site so I won’t fill in the blanks! He cracked up laughing and it is good to laugh again!
November 3, 2008
The Love Dare Day 23
Today was love always protects.
It is important to watch out for harmful influences. Certain habits can poison your home such as television or internet or work schedules that keep you separated from your spouse. So I was thinking if I have any unhealthy habits and I decided maybe it is the Wii Fit. After all today was day 79 straight without missing a day. So when Brian came home from work (early before I left) I ran it by him and he said that I needed to keep on doing that, it was a good habit. Maybe because I am way more limber than I once was? I did quit smoking 10 months ago so at least I don’t have that monkey on my back anymore.
Watch out for unhealthy relationships. Not everyone has the material to be a good friend. If someone undermines your marriage cut them loose. I already did that with a certain person at my work who made fun of this love dare thing. Also be careful of opposite sex relationships. Brian and I have that one pretty easy considering I work on Women’s health (all women patients and all women nurses, rarely do we have a guy get pulled to work on our floor) and Brian mostly works with guys. I mean really how many chick pipe fitters do you know?
Watch out for parasites which is anything that latches onto you or your spouse and sucks the life out of your marriage. Usually these are addictions such as gambling, drugs, pornography. They promise pleasure but grow like a disease. So if you love your spouse you must destroy any addiction that has your heart. For those of you that saw fireproof you know what happened in the movie. I don’t think Brian or I have an addiction unless of course you count this stupid football pool Brian gets in every single year. The goal is to pick one team a week that will win and you stay in. The last two years he has gotten knocked out on the first week and has been crabby the rest of the season. But that is fairly minor!
So the dare for today was to remove anything that was hindering your relationship with your spouse. I will share that at the beginning of the love dare I made a commitment to myself to limit my internet time when Brian is home. That is one reason I always write these notes late, after he is in bed. For many months now I have wasted a lot of time playing games on pogo while he was at home to avoid dealing with him. Now yesterday I did spend quite a bit of time but I was messing with microsoft money and straightening out a bunch of crap. I made sure he knew this as well.
Now I must get to bed. I have small group at 9 in the morning but at least the kids are off school so I can sleep till 8:15!
November 4, 2008
The Love Dare Day 24
Love vs. Lust
Well my husband is still refusing to park in the garage and as we watched the election results I think I figured out why. See my car is red and his is blue which makes me an elephant and him a jackass. Except now blue is in and red is out so I better watch out or his truck will throw my car out of the garage. He swears as soon as the weather turns cold he is moving back in. I suppose the first snow will tell.
In all seriousness today’s reading was about lusting after stuff you don’t have and how it turns your heart away from God and from your spouse. It doesn’t have to be another person either. It can be the simply allure if only I had X then I would be happy. Like if I only had a bigger house, if I got that new car, if my husband would go to counseling etc. So the dare was to look for areas of lust and remove them.
I never have really struggled with the keep up with the Jones’s problem. Many times my sister in law has suggested we move to a bigger house. but I always think why, then I will have even more useless junk and more crap to clean. No thanks. As for a car, well call me cheapskate of the universe because I bought a stick again because it was like 2000 cheaper. The only thing I have really wanted for the last year is for my husband to go to counseling which I have gotten no where with. I have gotten much farther with the love dare book than anything else. Finally after many years we are actually talking about stuff. I kind of forgot how to talk to him. This is sad but true and as I have said before I was to the point I didn’t even want to deal with him anymore.
Tonight we had a great time watching the elections and making stupid remarks to each other. Because truly our cars match our political beliefs for the most part. So I can say that I am 100% glad the election is over with and I have 3 years of peace before the war begins again. Except this time I didn’t take his stuff personal and we didn’t yell and I didn’t cuss at him. the computer started acting up so I shut it down for like 3 hours. I had to turn it back on to type this out but I think the old husband was amazed that I just shut it off, left it alone and spent time with him. Repeating we had great fun tonight.
Anyway I am rambling so it is time to think about bed and sleep. I have to work the next 2 evenings which always makes the whole reading/dare thing challenging!
November 5, 2008
The Love Dare Day 25
Wow I can’t believe it is day 25 already, only 15 left. Kind of depressing.
The reading started out saying this is the toughest dare in the book. Then it compared hanging onto past hurts as prison cells and if you look around your heart you will see all the people you haven’t forgiven, people have wounded you or hurt you. Jesus is also present holding the key to release these people through forgiveness but that is too scary. It takes a long time to realize that your freedom comes through forgiveness. After all what these people did to you was wrong and they deserve revenge except that sucks the life out of you.
I was also listening to Rob Bell, for those of you who have never heard of him he is a pastor at Mars Hill in Grand Rapids MI and an awesome speaker. He has one of those mega churches like 10,000 members. Anyway he was talking today (I am a few weeks behind in his sermons which I download from his web site) about grumbling and complaining which kind of tied into today. How life is a marathon and there are going to be some hard miles, some tough times, some desert places but instead of grumbling should be grateful for what we have. that whole grateful message has really been hammered into my head the past couple of days. And I realized that since I burned my list of the things that annoy me about Brian (that was around day 5 maybe) I haven’t visited the room in my heart that has all those things listed in it. Actually I can’t really think of any right now. Ok I must be possessed by a demon or something (yeah the love demon). I have been spending way more time in the positive room. Ok I am wandering all over the place so I am ending this paragraph now before even I am thinking WTF is she talking about.
Dare for today was to forgive your spouse for what you haven’t forgiven in the past. If this was the dare on day 1, it would have never happened. But it’s not so I will share some of the stuff that I have forgiven Brian for. First of all for all the times he called me square, lamo and told me I was born in the wrong century. For telling me last year he was never going away alone with me again. (this is a hard one as I swore I would never go anywhere with him again. However work is having some sort of night out next Friday and I am considering getting a hotel room for just the two of us. It just depends on if I can get elcheapo to agree.) For saying on more than one occasion I had no friends. For all the times he came home late and never called or the times I asked him what he was doing and he refused to give me a straight answer. Perhaps that is easier to forgive because he has been working really hard in that area and has been more upfront in what he is doing. None of it was a secret anyway, he just liked getting me all worked up. Lastly for arguing with me about not feeling loved by anyone when I was growing up. Yes people did love me, I just didn’t feel it.
I am going to bed. If work is annoying tomorrow as it was tonight I am going to have to find a new job!!
November 6, 2008
The Love Dare Day 26
Love is Responsible
The book warns of another hard day and it probably will be tomorrow because I worked tonight and someone was too chicken to come home for lunch to do the dare so we will just have to do it tomorrow.
All about taking responsibility for your actions and how you have treated your spouse. The dare today is to apologize to your spouse for past actions. Of course suppose to pray first for God to reveal them to you. I didn’t have to pray much before tons of stuff starting popping into my head. I’ll share a few, for all the times I told him to pack his “shit and get out” while we were fighting. For being emotionally shut down for most of our time together. I was so busy protecting myself from being abandoned that I shut him and everyone else out to avoid being hurt. For calling him names, some of them very mean things. For not respecting him at all which has led to our daughters not respecting him. Ok that is enough for now.
He called me tonight at work to see if he could go out tomorrow night. His best friend from high school is having a poker party at his house and Brian wants to go. I was like what time and he said 8. I was like all sad because I wanted to spend the evening with him. Yeah my head almost spun completely around when I realized that was what I was thinking. See another thing to apologize for, I was always glad when he left to do stuff so I didn’t have to deal with him. But not anymore. SO I guess it will be Saturday night for the two of us instead. I did give him one condition he has to do today’s dare before he leaves tomorrow and he said ok.
I had my review today. All my peer comments were extremely positive except one person said I am negative. I only bring this up because that is one of the 3 things Brian said bugged him was my negative attitude. So nothing like hearing that twice in a month. Well I am working on it and I got to thinking whoever wrote that probably has no idea what the last year has been like for me and they are lucky I even smiled some days. So my raise was pretty sweet too except I am close to the ceiling again and if I do max out the way they do the raise thing pretty much sucks. They give you 3% lump sum in a bonus check. So where is the incentive to do any better? Oh well hopefully they keep raising the ceiling and it won’t be an issue for an old timer like me!
November 7, 2008
The Love Dare Day 27
I can’t even figure out how to start writing tonight. This was one of those days when I am overwhelmed with joy and total disbelief that something so positive has occurred in such a short amount of time. My very first small group leader told me 4 years ago that God could indeed change Brian but I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe God could change me either because just like everyone else I pretty much kept him shut out of my life and my heart. But strange things started happening after Big Stuf camp and sometimes I feel like Woody from Toy Story and I am now living in a room decorated with Buzz Lightyear. (yes I know I need to lay off the disney pixar movies.)
So today’s reading was about seeing the log in your own eye before pointing out the speck in your partners. The dare was to eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in the home. To think of one area where your spouse has said you are too hard on them and apologize. So Brian says to me while sitting in his chair that he is sorry for all the unrealistic expectations he has had with keeping the house clean. I swear my head almost spun off my shoulders. It was what I was thinking when I read the stuff this morning as he has always nagged me about the house. For some strange reason he thinks all women are born with this desire to get up and clean house from waking till sleeping. I have told him many times that I could care less if the house is cluttered. He hates clutter but could care less if the counters are clean. As long as the floor is free of anything on it he considers the house clean. Anyway this statement was huge and I mean huge and I can’t even really express how my heart melted when he said it.
We went out to eat for dinner because we still needed to apologize from yesterday’s dare. I think he read it wrong because at first he said I suppose your perfect and I said I am suppose to be apologize for what I have done wrong and I started off with the respect thing and the respect with the girls. I’d pretty much bet my life his heart melted right then too! The rest of the stuff remains between him and me but I wanted you all to get the drift.
So tonight he went to play poker with his best friend from high school and I told him yesterday when he asked I’d miss him tonight. (another one of those head turning moments~where the hell did that come from and I apologized for being glad he was gone and trying to avoid him all the time). So I am waiting up for him and since he went with his brother it shouldn’t be too late.
It’s so hard to describe what has been happening at this house for the past 27 days but it is incredible! I feel like I should think Megan again who is probably about ready to kill me. But if she hadn’t suggested the movie, I’d probably be about ready to move out by now and that is scary. From total hurt and brokenness to a sense of connectedness I have never felt in my entire life. WOW, thank you so much God!!
November 8, 2008
The Love Dare Day 28
Love makes sacrifices
I just didn’t feel like the reading applied today or something. I mean it applies but I couldn’t think of anything that I needed Brian to sacrifice for me or me to sacrifice for him. He also felt the same way.
Although I must admit he made a huge sacrifice in agreeing to do the love dare in the first place. It was scary and sometimes it still is. It is not easy to look someone in the eye and apologize for not respecting them. But talk about healing for both people. That was huge. And to have him say he was sorry for not understanding my whole never feeling loved thing well that was healing as well.
It was a quiet day and very peaceful. I actually can’t think of anything else to write. Maybe tomorrow will be a little more exciting.
Oh and I tried to get Brian to come to my church tomorrow and he gave me a song and dance about it starts too late and 12:30 is too late to get home, the day is half wasted. Although I don’t see it as a waste at all, but I responded with we have a nine am service as well. Last year the response would have been either I am not going to that cult or I am not going to the meat market. We have a lot of young people that attend and Brian swears it is a pick up joint. What better place to meet someone than at church?
November 9, 2008
The Love Dare Day 29
Love that is demanded in a marriage is not dependent on your spouses sweetness or suitability. How is that for a sentence?
The love between a husband and a wife should have one objective~honoring God with devotion and sincerity.
The dare for today was to pray for your spouse and then tell them you love them and then pray again and thank God for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person-unconditionally the way God loves you.
Honesty can sometimes be ugly and if this would have been the first dare 29 days ago I would have laughed my head off and refused to do it. Thank God for giving me Brian, are you kidding I was ready to leave him. But God had a way of changing my heart and my head and my thinking and I was able to do that 100% sincerely and thankfully today. I did tell Brian I loved him and he said it back and I told him that didn’t count for the dare so then he says “these dumplings are great, I love you.” I told him nice try but then again I better take it because those words have never come easy for him. If I asked he probably said it to me today in his head where I couldn’t even hear.
Church today might have well been written for this love dare and my life. Tom talked about how our greatest strength lies really close to our greatest weakness. Well so true for me as one of my greatest strengths is in fact how strong and independent I am. I can do almost everything for myself and this can be good but then it is rather intimidating for Brian. I mean now I can see how he must have felt all these years. Here I was with huge walls up not letting him in, telling him if he died tomorrow I would be just fine. (I really am 100% morbid!) I can do almost anything I set my mind to so where did that leave him? A roommate maybe but not a life partner. So getting rid of the walls and opening up has been extremely difficult but entirely freeing. Also has helped our relationship immensely. I do need him too a lot but that is hard to say but I am working on it. Ok I feel as if I am rambling again and making no sense at all!
Oh and I remembered late last night that back when Brian and I both went to Abiding Savior we went to the 11 o’clock service. I remember because Pastor Kevin moved service back to 10:45 in order to be done by 11:45 so everyone could be home in time for noon kick off. Oh Pastor Kevin was a major Packer fan. Of course Brian tried to deny this but Emily and my sister Karen both remembers this. So I will keep praying on this and maybe one day Brian and I will go to the same church again but until then I am just thankful he goes to Abiding Savior!
November 10, 2008
The Love Dare Day 30
Love brings unity
Love this person who is as much a part of your body as you are. Serve this person whose needs cannot be separated from your own. Honor this one who when raised upon the pedestal of your love raises you up too in the eyes of God, all at the same time.
This thing just seems to increase in intensity every day. Today was rather a low key day and I don’t have much to say. The dare was to isolate an area of division in your marriage and pray for unity. At first the only thing I could think of was the kids as Brian thinks I am a softie and I think he is a hardie. And then around 9 am my feet were just freezing and I went and looked at the thermostat and it was set on 71. Now to normal people (certainly not me) 1 degree would not make a big difference but it was huge to me. I was thinking how long are we going to fight about the heat and the a/c forever? I have told Brian many times I grew up not being able to afford the air conditioning or much heat in the winter and I REFUSE to live this was as an adult. Half the time I threaten to quit my job because I am such a mature person. So tonight when I called him from work I asked him if he thought of anything and first he said yes and when I asked him what he said he didn’t really think of anything. I said well the kids of course and then the heat. I think it was an honest mistake that he did not put it on 72 so I forgave him and didn’t go on the “I am quitting my job if I can’t be warm” tirade. That was probably surprising for him. So it will be interesting to see what tomorrow brings, except he is off work so I will force myself awake at 6 just to have the house warm by 7. To think I thought he was the one who needs a counselor!!
November 11, 2008
The Love Dare Day 31
Love and Marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage. (anyone remember that crazy show married with children?)
Today talked about how a man is to leave his parents and cling to his wife. That parents are to give up parental control and become counselors instead. It talked about how some parents have a difficult time and cause all sorts of problems. Brian and I are very lucky in that none of our parents have this sort of role in our lives. His parents are too busy controlling his sisters life, my mom is addicted to the computer and my dad complains because I never call him and he rarely calls me. So we discussed that and Brian wants to plan an intervention for my mothers computer addiction. I remembered way back when we were planning our wedding and my family got in a huge fight with his parents and his dad called him henpecked. I am not so sure that was such an insult if you take in the context of today’s reading. That kind of came out of nowhere today and I had forgotten all about it.
Brian was off today and I was looking forward to hanging out with him. Oh there is another one of those head spinning did I really just think that moment. A lot has changed in the last 31 days. Well anyway he is sick oh what “he is not sick, his stomach just hurts”. So he was pretty much out of commission most of the day and went to bed at like 8:30. He has four covers on (heat is still on 72 because I haven’t went to bed) and is freezing but he is not sick just a hurt stomach. So anyway that was sort of disappointing but there is always the next day he has off which is the day after thanksgiving but we won’t be alone cause the kids will be off. Anyway I am rambling again. I have had a headache all day so perhaps I should take some drugs and go to bed. I have that annoying 11 to 7 shift again!
November 12, 2008
The Love Dare Day 32
Love meets sexual needs
I should have known this was coming eventually. I have to be very careful what I write because my daughter is my friend on facebook and I don’t want to gross her out. Plus a lot of my friends are teenagers so I will attempt to keep this PG. It is hard for me because I am so open and was raised openly. Let’s just say most of my friends came to my house to ask my mom questions and she always answered them honestly!
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:3.
Today’s reading highlighted that over time it becomes more important (usually) to one than the other. It is not to be used as a bargaining chip. That the wife does not have authority over her own body but her husband does just as her husband does not have authority over his body but his wife does.
I am not going to talk about the dare today except to say it was completed.
The past 32 days have been incredible and today I had someone ask me about the book, about the dare and then shared with me that they have a total indifference towards their spouse. This person and their spouse want to try the love dare. I said to Pastor Tom this week if this whole love dare helps just one person then it will be worth all the bullshit I have been through in the past year. I think my prayer might have just been answered! I will confess once again I also had a total indifference towards Brian and this feeling I have today of total love and devotion is a 1000 time greater feeling.
November 13, 2008
The Love Dare Day 33
Love completes each other
Today’s reading compared two is better than one by saying you have two hands and they function together much better than each does separately. There is so much more they can do together. Then it went on to talk about how our differences can create much conflict such as one person (Brian) being better or more interested in keeping the house clean (than me Rachel). Or one person is way better at cleaning the kitchen (Rachel) than the other (Brian). One is a better disciplinarian (Brian) and the other is a better mediator (Rachel). When we learn to accept the distinctions in our mate, we can bypass criticism and go straight to helping and appreciating. Wow who wrote this stuff? They must know our relationship really well or something. This is one of many things I have been trying to get through Brian’s head for years and remember not too long ago he told me he was way too hard on me about housework. Maybe everyone has this issues?
The dare was to include your spouse in decisions. I am afraid I have pretty much failed up to this point. After all I am a strong independent woman and I tend to do things myself. My parents divorced when I was 5 so rarely did I ever see my mom consult my dad about anything. I mean she decided what bills she was paying and when that sort of stuff. So I have never included Brian in much of anything. (Not that he wants to know anything about money). So this is an area that I can really work on.
Well Brian is still sick and I have encountered yet another head spinning around moment. (this is really getting out of control~in a good way). Anyway tomorrow night is women’s health night out so when I got home from work this evening I asked him if he wanted to go out with me to Ameristar for the buffet and he said yes. Then later he told me his stomach is STILL bothering him. I hope it is better by tomorrow because for 25.00 a pop for the buffet if he is sick we will have to skip that. Either that or I’ll leave him in the car till dinner is over. I am praying that he is well tomorrow so we can go out and have a great time!
November 14, 2008
The Love Dare Day 34
Love celebrates Godliness
Today (really yesterday) talked about how all day long the world tries to lure you away from the bible and what God teaches. The world will say that a knockout wife who dresses to get men’s attention is a good thing. Ok I really want to know how all this is so applicable to my life. Brian use to constantly bug me to wear tight shirts and thongs. Ok around the house maybe (if the kids are sleeping because they would have a stroke) but out in public. What is the point? No one really needs to see that stuff except for him. It warned to be careful of all the stuff the world says because it is so easy to start believing it.
The dare was to find a specific recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way and verbally commend them for it. It wasn’t too long before I remembered the wedding reception we went to in May and a lady sitting at our table was in a wheelchair. Brian and another guy ended up helping her eat. I remember being blown away at the time but I never said anything. I think Brian had a really difficult time thinking of anything about me so I had to help him out just a bit. My love language is acts of service so I tend to do a lot of little things for a lot of people. I told him this love dare blogging thing could count as well. It isn’t easy admitting all the times I have screwed up on paper but it has probably helped someone along the way.
November 15, 2008
The Love Dare Day 35
Love is Accountable
Today’s reading talked about finding a marriage mentor as in a couple who has a strong Christian marriage to help along the way. How it is important to have these people in your life for when you are struggling.
Brian told me his thoughts by like 9 in the morning. He told me his friend Mike because if he has managed to stay married all these years, he must be doing something right. Let me just say a few words about Mike, in the past 15 years he has not once come to my house without a beer in his hand and a cooler of them in the trunk of his car. He has been known to go out after work and not call his wife and not answer his cell phone when she is looking for him. Brian then decided his wife is a saint for putting up with him. I replied I am a far cry from a saint so I don’t think he is the best choice. The couple that came to mind for me was Herc and Christy and for those of you that go to my church you know who I am speaking of. I think they are awesome role models.
Now for a little humor. Friday night when we went out we got carded to get in the bar. So the guy looks at my ID (which my hair is like super long and totally different) and makes me come up right next to him and then is looking back and forth. So finally I say look if I was going to get a fake ID I wouldn’t pick one that makes me 41. So then he says to me why are all the other girls born in 1987 (when I was in nursing school) and you are born in 1967. I was like cause we are nurses and we work together. Well Kim pipes up because she is my mom. So I told Kim she was grounded. the funny thing is Kim could be my daughter cause she is 24 and I would have been 17. And if that didn’t make me feel old enough, the guy takes one look at Brian and waves him in without even looking at his ID. So I guess we were the parents of the bunch!
November 16, 2008
The Love Dare Day 36
Love is God’s word
So today’s reading was about the importance of reading the bible every day. Neither of us do this. I read the first two chapters of proverbs a while back when the dare said too and that was the end of that. A few years ago I did one of those read the bible in 2 years thing and made it up to Acts but never finished. Brian started it during the winter months but as soon as spring hit that was it for him.
My church is having this class next Sunday evening about how to read the bible so it makes sense. Pastor Tom says he wished he would have known this long ago. Since I don’t have a clue I signed Brian and I up for it. It will be our date for the week since Emily informed she is busy Friday and not to count on her babysitting. So I told him about it and he had his regular attitude of I don’t know what to expect so I am going to start picking. I think he though Tom was going to hold this class in the middle of Ponderosa like maybe he was going to stand a table and preach to the whole restaurant. I assured him they have a banquet room. I told him he gets a new bible and he said he already had one and I said well you must not understand it because I never see you reading it. Finally I said look they didn’t have a married life live in September or December (we might have in September, I can’t really remember) so consider this a 2 for 1 deal. He seemed to settle down after that. Plus he can meet some new people but then again I know he gets very nervous in such situations because he is shy.
The dare recommended finding a devotional book. Kind of like what this love dare book is like. So if anyone has any recommendations I am all eyes!
November 17, 2008
The Love Dare Day 37
Love agrees in prayer
What is the one thing in marriage that if you did there would be 100% assurance that it would improve significantly?
The answer is to pray together. It said that could sound weird, how about terrifying. I do not pray out loud. I only did it once in a small group many years ago and I had everyone laughing. Probably because I talk to God in the same way I write these notes. See this friend in the groups kid was making this annoying noise with his throat so I asked God to either make him stop doing it or make his mother deaf to it so she couldn’t hear it. I thought it was genius but it came out hilarious because for some reason I have been gifted with humor and wit. I don’t think I have ever attempted it since.
Brian has never prayed out loud in his life. So I asked him what he would pray about today and he said the same thing he says every night. Thanks God you are doing a great job. He needs some serious help in letting God out of the Sunday box. SO I shared with him my prayer tonight would be that after Thursday is over that we continue on this journey and not go straight back into our old habits. The last 37 days have been awesome and I want it to stay pretty much that way. He then said he thought we were on day 38 and we got distracted by which day it was and that was the end of that. And then I thought I bet Herc and Christy (the marriage mentors I mentioned the other day) probably pray together. I am not sure Brian and I will ever get there but I suppose I can pray about that as well.
I cannot believe there is only 3 days left. They seem to increase in intensity every day. I can only imagine what Thursday will be like!
November 18, 2008
The Love Dare Day 38
Love Fulfills Dreams
What is something your spouse would really really love and how often do ask yourself this? Apparently not often enough or at all. I had a horrible day yesterday so I waited till the morning and this will still be jaded.
Anyway the reading was about focusing on the little things you can do for your spouse that would make them happy. Think about what they have been saying they wanted from you and do it if possible. Doesn’t have to be huge or expensive and certainly one cannot give into the others every whim. It made me think of making the bed. I could care less because it’s just going to get messed up in less than 24 hours anyway. However Brian is real big on it probably cause he likes the covers straight. So for at least the last six months I have made an effort to make sure it is made up. Now some of you may say he should do it since it bugs him. But remember he is Mr. Morning person and out of bed by 5 and I am Mrs. Evening person and am not up and about till 9 am. So I am the one that does it.
Why children like to call their parents at work when the parent can’t really do anything is beyond me. As usual in the middle of total chaos at work (which is a different story all together) Emily calls to tell me Brian left her at school. Cheerleading was running late and he said he couldn’t wait any longer (Kayla had to be at dance) so he said he was leaving. She got very upset and hung up on him. That was probably the wrong thing to do but I would have hung up on him too. So I call him actually calm to get his side of the story and he tells me Kayla can’t be late or she gets in trouble. Well I am going in on Monday and having a talk with the dance studio about that. If she can’t be 5 or 10 minutes late once a month because cheerleading ran late I will pull her out of dance and go somewhere else. I am paying these people, they are not paying me. So I suggest to Brian that he apologizes to Emily because he really upset her and hurt her feelings. I find out later that he said to her “did you like being left at school PAL? Next time you hang up on me, I am taking your phone away from you.” And he wonders why the kids can’t stand him. I kept my mouth shut last night and said not a word. Remember dare day 1 is about negativity, plus I didn’t want to have a conversation right in front of the kids because of the whole respect issue. But I could have leveled him right then and there. Probably because my fear of abandonment issues were hit head on when Emily said Brian left her there. Oh he would have been back to get her in about 1 1/2 hours but who wants to hang at school for that long?
Off to exercise day 95 straight (I need therapy) and then to another exciting shift at work!
November 19, 2008
The Love Dare Day 39
Love never fails, love never gives up even when mistreated and rejected. Powerful little statement there. The book then goes on to talk about how one spouse will say I am 100% committed to making this work and the other who is not will say they want out. Then the person who was committed gets hurt and says something to the effect of fine if that is how you want it. Could you imagine if Jesus acted that way? All his disciples would have been on there own. Peter rejected him 3 times and Jesus still came back and accepted him. That is how we are too be. One of those much easier said than done things!
So today’s dare was to write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Why you are committed to this marriage till death and you will love them no matter what. I just wrote me and got off on a tangent. I bet you are all shocked I like to write! I told Brian it was just like the song if he wanted out before death it would be “prayin for the end of time.” (that would be Meatloaf’s song but of course I don’t remember the name only the other line about 16 and barely dressed! We have sang that song together and both love it.
I am off to read my letter from him which is sitting on my dresser. I didn’t want to read it first because I didn’t want to jade my letter to him. Have a good night/day everyone.
PS Tomorrow is day 40 and I had someone suggest that we do it one more time and since I have journaled everything see what has changed and what still needs to be healed. So I suggested it to Brian and he was willing to do it. I suppose I will post again, if you are on my email list and you want off just let me know! I don’t really want to annoy anyone!!
November 20, 2008
The Love Dare Day 40
I can hardly believe it is the last day except it really isn’t because we are starting over tomorrow. We did not do today’s dare just yet either, I think it might come easier at the end of the next 40 days. My commitment letter from Brian was AWESOME! He has only written to me maybe 4 times in 23 years so the effort alone was impressive. Anyway not willing to share what he had to say but it was great!
Love is a covenant
the book ends but the challenge of loving your mate never comes an end. Just because the book is over doesn’t mean the dare has to stop. Also from now on consider your marriage a covenant not a contract. A covenant is something God made with people, a verbal commitment based on trust, assuring someone that your promise is unconditional and good for life. Those are some scary words for a girl like me with trust issues, commitment issues, abandonment issues etc. So even if Brian says it to me there is still this small voice that says yeah right no one would ever love you like that except maybe God. So I have word to do in this area.
Of course the strongest covenant on earth is marriage and it isn’t something you can do on your own. You need God’s help. No kidding with my screwed up view of relationships I need him 24/7. Marriage is to represent God’s holy covenant with his church. now those are some big pictures to uphold.
Today’s dare write out a renewal of your vows and place them in the house. Also suggested renewing your wedding vows. Now that is something I would like to do eventually. Like when the weather is warm or maybe after the next 40 days. Of course I need to run this by Brian. He went to bed at like 8:30 tonight so tomorrow I am finally off work and I can see what he is thinking. Oh and the strangest thing too, I called him and was going to sing “praying for the end of time” (Brian can’t think of the name of that stupid song either) but he didn’t answer. He actually called me back to see what I wanted. I didn’t even leave a message so that was totally out of character for him. He then proceeded to have a short conversation and I actually had to get off the phone. Things are strange in the Moehlmann house!
November 21, 2008
The Love Dare Day 41
I was so crabby yesterday but I did finally confess that by the evening. Once again Brian pulled the I went out for lunch but went back to work. Except when he came home he had been drinking so I know good and well he went to lunch and never went back to work. That is a much better choice than returning to work. However what annoys me beyond belief is the refusal on his part to just tell me what he is doing in the first place. So I told him this is why we are doing the love dare again because he still has not mastered this area. It also plays right into my insecurities because as Dr. Phil says people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Even though this is the exact behavior his father modeled for him I cannot take it. Maybe his mother enjoyed the game of his dad not saying where he was and her figuring it out but I cannot STAND it.
So since day one was all about patience and acting out of love and not being negative, well I failed almost 100%. Anger is such a dangerous thing and I was filled with it all day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!
November 22, 2008
The Love Dare Day 41 1/2
So yesterday Brian informs me he is on day 1 and I am on day 2. Apparently he read the preface when I was reading day 1. So we agreed to start day 2 on Sunday and get back together.
Last week we watched the break up with Jennifer Aniston. What a terrible movie. She breaks up with him in the hopes he will change and they never get back together. Freaked me out a little because what if I would have moved out and Mr. Stubborn would have never went to counseling then we would have broken up too when all I really wanted was for him to learn how to meet my needs. Hmm scary stuff.
November 23, 2008
The Love Dare Day 42
Love is Kind
What truer words than those and it is so easy to be kind to those you don’t live with and give the ones you live with the least amount of kindness. At least I am that way most of the time if I don’t make an effort not to be.
The book mentioned 4 aspects of kindness which kind of made me think of the fruits of the spirit.
Gentleness~Being sensitive, not harsh and tender.
Helpfulness~meeting the needs of the other person in the moment, whether it is helping out or listening
Willingness~Being agreeable rather than obstinate, reluctant or stubborn. Cooperating or staying flexible, I am good at that at work and terrible at home.
Initiative~thinking ahead and taking the first step. Not waiting to be prompted or coerced by your spouse.
Tell me why it is so easy to be that way to friends and strangers but so difficult when it comes to the one you love. It is so much easier to complain and think mean things about the other person rather than just doing something nice for them. Today’s dare was about doing something kind and that was easy. You know this pool thing is never ending and yesterday Brian was digging a trench to bury the electric wires (they run from the house to the pool filter) underground. So his legs were hurting today so I rubbed them for him. I must say I have come a long way in a year as I went from not wanting to be touched or touch anyone else to at least hugging people without freaking out. Being touched isn’t so bad after all.
Brian went to that how to read and understand the bible with me. That was pretty fun and I think he had a good time. When I first started going to my church there were like 50 people who attended. Tonight there were maybe 60 people there and I only recognized one person that was not a leader. One of the leaders said we had over 800 people at church today. Anyway Craig and Herc sat by us for dinner and Craig was very helpful during the learning part. The leaders all told their stories and Brian was probably surprised to learn that the majority did not grow up in church at all. So they are more like him than he ever realized. Now if I could only convince him that 10:45 is not too late in the day to go to church. Of course he could always go to 9:00 but I would have to seriously consider giving up Kid Stuf and those who know me, now that I am an admitted Kid Stuf addict! I am so looking forward to next month when they somehow tell the Christmas Story with Star Wars characters. Now how cool is that for church?
November 24, 2008
The Love Dare Day 43
Love is not selfish
Our culture is enamored with self, we are taught to focus on our appearance, feelings and personal desires as top priority. The goal seems to be to chase the highest level of happiness possible. However while chasing that dream it leads us to be selfish towards other people. It is so easy to be selfish all the time. Crap I want things my way all the time and screw everyone else. That is if I am being honest. However I have noticed over the last 43 days that when I put Brian first our relationship is better and I am better. Gee that runs real close to Jesus second greatest command, love your neighbor as yourself. Maybe I am learning something after all.
Today’s dare was the fun one, get a little something for your spouse so they know you are thinking about them. I got Brian new socks because yesterday when I was doing the dreaded matching the socks together I noticed he was getting some holes in his socks. He was very happy with them. I also got him a cool card too. Now what did he get me? Well nothing because he was so busy at work he forgot and then attempted to tell me late tonight that it wasn’t a surprise. I said the book did not say a surprise gift, just something simple to say I am thinking of you. I was really irritated and finally just told him if you want to make this right all you have to do is say I’m sorry which he did. I must say he is getting better at that. I guess after you say those words a few times it gets a little more natural or comfortable or some stupid word I can’t think of right now.
I think I mentioned a few weeks ago, the ipod that I wanted and I wanted him to engrave something nice on. Well I ended up writing step by step instructions on how to do it over the internet. He could not figure it out so he had my sister help. When I said to Brian you ordered my ipod he accused me of nosing around the computer. Well I told him my first clue was they left the directions sitting on the desk, then I got an email saying my apple account password had been changed and I got another email saying the ipod order had been received. I moved that order one to my saved folder without looking at it. Anyway the ipod came the other day and I am waiting until Christmas to open it. I am dying to know what he engraved but will wait another month. Just remember I could always look in my saved folder at any time but that would ruin the surprise. Even my sister has no idea what he wrote. I can only imagine!
November 25, 2008
The Love Dare Day 44
Love is thoughtful
Loving thoughts precedes loving actions. This comes naturally when you first fall in love with someone. You can’t seem to stop thinking about them, wondering what they are doing and rehearsing what you will say. then you get married and the wife has her man and the husband has his trophy. (I enjoyed that line last time I read it but forgot to call myself a trophy today!)
It spoke of how women can be multi-conscious and maintain amazing awareness of many things at once. such as what the kids are doing, while talking on the phone, cooking dinner and wonder why her husband is sitting in his “chair” doing nothing. Men tend to focus on only one thing at a time. I must say it sucks to be them. Ha ha. Although my life might be easier if I could just focus on one thing but then again my nursing career would suck because I usually have five patients at once all with different diagnosis and needs. Maybe this is why more girls are nurses than boys?
Women tend to speak and think between the lines whereas men speak in headlines. I am working hard in this area to be direct instead of hoping Brian will figure stuff out. After all some of the stuff he still hasn’t figured out after 23 years. Last night a perfect example, I could still be mad at him today for not saying he was sorry about the gift business but instead I told him, he apologized and we had a great night last night and day today.
The dare was to call your spouse sometime during the day with no agenda except to ask how they were doing and if you could do anything for them. Well as usual my work “screwed that up.” I was suppose to work tonight but I got the entire shift off (we are really low in patients right now to the point that the last 5 shifts I have worked I have called 4 or 5 nurses off at a time~unreal). He was going to call me at work. So anyway he took Kayla to dance and then got me a soda (I was out and dying) and a can of mixed nuts (those are turning into a joke after the whole birthday/mothers day gift thing) and a card that spoke about can I do anything for you. Very clever and he pulled my car into the garage for me and bought light bulbs and changed the garage door opener light. I told you today was a good day!
Oh and Brian got out his new bible and was reading in Matthew tonight. I am starting in Philippians because Rob Bell has done a sermon series verse by verse so perhaps if I actually read it the sermons will sink in!
November 26, 2008
The Love Dare Day 45
Love is not rude
Definition of rudeness is unnecessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant for another person to be around. Like smoking! Except no one smokes in this house. I haven’t smoked in 10 months.
The dare was to list 3 things that your spouse does that is annoying. So I just now asked Brian if his list had changed and he said no. I said mine almost did as I almost took off the going to bed without saying goodnight except I busted him trying to do just that. He really has improved. Honestly when I noticed yesterday that today was the 3 annoying things I had a hard time thinking of anything right away. 40 days ago it came so easily and this time I had to think about it. His three things are the negative speaking, too easy on the kids and time management. Except for you know what is really weird he did say he had unrealistic expectations about the house being clean. I personally think my time management is just fine as I get everything done I want to get done. Crap now I am being selfish I suppose.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving and in my note I will list some of the stuff I am thankful for hope. Hope you all have a great day and your stuffing is 1/2 as good as my MIL’s because hers is beyond AWESOME!!
November 27, 2008
The Love Dare Day 46
Love is not irritable
Well I was irritable all day and I couldn’t figure out why. I certainly had enough sleep and with it being thanksgiving there certainly was enough great food. My mother in laws dressing is the bomb and I look forward to it all year.
Irritability is like being near the point of the knife and not far from being poked. Just ready to overreact. that could pretty much describe me most of my life until the last year or so. So anyway reasons that cause it stress from relational causes (arguing, division and bitterness), excessive causes (overworking, overplaying, and overspending) and deficiencies not getting enough rest, nutrition or exercise. Selfishness can also cause irritability and perhaps that was my problem as I really just wanted to be at my house with my family all day. Totally the opposite of how I use to feel as in any excuse to get me away from these people. :0).
Who I am thankful for
Brian, Emily, Kayla, Allyson, God, my parents, Patti, Lisa, Megan, my small group, and many others.
What I am thankful for
My house to live in, my car to drive, my job (most of the time), my marriage, and all the stuff I own.
November 28, 2008
The Love Dare Day 47
Love believes the best
Today was the one that talked about the two rooms in your heart for your spouse. The appreciation room and the depreciation room. I actually remembered this one because for the past 40 days I have made an effort to hang out in the appreciation room and it makes a world of difference. I’ll give you an example. A couple of weeks ago when I told Brian he was going to the how to read your bible class and he started in on his remarks normally I would have been thinking (insert cuss word) jerk, all you do is make fun of my church, go ahead keep in God in the box and on and on. Instead I thought to myself what is this really about and realized that he is shy (one of those good things in the appreciation room) around people he doesn’t know and he wouldn’t know a soul there and he would not have his alcohol crutch that he uses in social situations. So I didn’t even get upset but rather felt badly for him. He probably thought I would know everyone but the only people I knew is people he has met several times.
It sounds so cheesy but it is much better to spend time thinking about the positives rather than the negatives. I didn’t do the list thing again but I had a really hard time thinking of negatives. What a refreshing change in 40 days.
November 29, 2008
The Love Dare Day 48
Love is not jealous
Jealousy is a tough one. Although I am not really sure if I have ever been jealous of my husband. Now other people that is a different story. Oh wait a minute let me tell you about yesterday. Brian has a workroom in the basement (a man thing) and he use to have this stupid calendar hanging up of chicks in bikini’s until maybe June when I threw it under some of his tools and he never did find it. Well yesterday I went down there and the 2009 edition is hanging up. I immediately ripped it off the wall and said this is not happening and I read a section out of today’s reading only changed it to say your spouse should not have a bikini calendar hanging up. He said he needs to know the date so I said he will get a new one for Christmas that is appropriate. I considered getting him a beagle calendar in remembrance of our dog. Ha. So anyway I shoved this calendar between our mattress and I don’t think he will find it but I better keep an eye out.
The dare was to burn the list again except I never wrote mine out. Brian says his is in his head. I told him I don’t even remember what was on it from last time. I didn’t feel the need to really concentrate on the yucky stuff, like I said yesterday it is so much better to focus on the yummy stuff!
November 30, 2008
The Love Dare Day 49
Love makes good impressions
The book says you can tell a lot about the state of a couple’s relationship by the way they greet one another. Both in expression and how they speak to each other. It says greeting is very important and to consider the way you greet friends, co-workers, strangers vs. the way you speak to your spouse. Is it really necessary for this book to convict me every single day? Although sometimes I think about how I greet people at work and I can’t really express it on paper but I always say HELLO in this crazy way. A couple of girls say hi to me for the express purpose of hearing me say it. I can’t say I ever greet Brian in the morning because I am not awake at 5 am. I am lucky if I hear his alarm go off once a week and I just can’t seem to come out of my coma to even think of speaking to him. there was a time really early in our marriage where he kissed me good-bye every morning but maybe because I am close to comatose at that hour he gave up. I have no idea or maybe after a year or two the newness wore off and we just didn’t care anymore. I was thinking back to a few months ago and how I would act when he came home from work. Basically I was annoyed and I really didn’t want to see him or deal with him. Not only could he feel this my kids could too. But now it is ridiculous because I look forward to him coming home and talking to him. So although this book convicts me constantly it really has helped. Oh and I told Brian he has changed a lot over the last two months and he completed denied it. Says he is the exact same which is a total and complete lie. Try to give a guy a compliment and he gets all bent out of shape!
So the dare was to greet your spouse a specific way. Since I did not read this till almost 9 am I did not do it today. However I already have tomorrows planned out. I have been meaning to write about this for the past five days but don’t think about it until after I have posted and sent my email off. Anyway does anyone else know that you can write on a mirror with a dry erase marker and it comes right off? Kayla has been doing this for six months, playing school with the kids in the neighborhood. Well one night last week before I went to bed I wrote I love you on the mirror. Well it must have really screwed Brian’s head up because he left the bathroom light on that morning. So when he got home I asked him if he saw my note and he said well yes because he couldn’t see to fix his hairdo. Ok my husband wears his hair cut with a 2 guard so it is super short and there is no styling it. I know what this is called but it has left my mind. I told him nice try about his not being able to see. So those of you Oak Bridge kids that go to Big Stuf and know what nice notes are, it is a great place to leave those as well. So anyway before I started typing this I wrote on the mirror Good Morning Hottie. I hope you have a great day at work. I love you, the other hottie! I have written some other stuff there as well but this is a PG blog so it must be left unspoken. Anyway if all the dry erase markers disappear from St. John’s I have no idea what happened to them after all the patients do not need to know my name or phone number for the day but my husband needs to know I love him!
December 1, 2008
The Love Dare Day 50
Love is unconditional
Unconditional love is something I always think of receiving from a dog or other pet except I don’t have a dog anymore. But anyway a dog is always glad to see you even if you are crabby, sick, tired etc. It is how we are suppose to love our spouse. If love is based on physical attraction or friendship there is a high probability it will fade out over time and a person is left with nothing. To love a spouse unconditionally requires God’s help. I have to totally agree with that statement and sometimes I think it would be easier to be married to a dog.
The dare was to do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse. I didn’t do anything physical like clean or cook but at work I did speak about my husband in a wonderful way. If anyone saw How I met your mother last week you know how my husband greeted me in the computer room the other day, poses and all. I was telling the girls about it and I do believe I said out loud I just love my husband. I thought for sure lightening would strike but I am still here!
December 2, 2008
The Love Dare Day 51
I remembered this one from last time because it talked about if you injured your hand you would nurse it back to health. If your car broke down and would cost more to fix than it was worth you’d trade it in for a new one. Too many times in marriages people trade in for a new model. If you are really truly living as one person that would be like chopping your hand off.
The dare today was to meet a need your spouse has that says I cherish you. Well I am still sick. I still feel like I could throw up at any second which is good in that I am not eating everything in site. I was on a pace to gain the holiday 10 within a week of thanksgiving. I even called in sick to work which sucked because I prefer to call in for “mental health days” rather than really feeling badly. Anyway Brian actually sat on the couch tonight (rather than his chair aka the throne) so I parked my butt right next to him and we sat and watched TV together. I even held his hand for a while. then later he did that I am yawning move and then put his arm around me. Kayla informed him he did not do it quite right. That actually made me feel like I was cherished. We finally watched the Dr. Phil that had Kirk Cameron on it and talked about the movie fireproof. It was pretty good and then we watched the last 15 minutes of the biggest loser to see who got kicked off. What a great family night.
I didn’t leave a note on the mirror last night but I plan to tonight saying don’t be afraid to write on this mirror. I am not sure if Brian will ever leave me a note. Several years ago my sister was dating this guy that always left notes in her car and sometimes my husband would leave her notes. (I am thinking this was during the six months she lived with us while her house was being built). So I suggested to him he leave me notes and he did and it was really dirty and I fussed at him because the kids might see it. He told me he would never leave me a note again and so far he has kept true to his word. We’ll see if he doesn’t indeed write me something and then I can really be convinced he has changed as well as me!
December 3, 2008
The Love Dare Day 52
Love lets the other one win
We talked about this tonight and we said we hadn’t been in an argument lately where one of us refuses to back down. We are both pretty stubborn but I am really trying to work on this area. So then I said I am hotter and he said no he is hotter so I said ok you are hotter and then laughed until I was coughing. The feeling of peace and love in our house is really indescribable and sounds so totally gay but then I am the gayest of all!
So remember yesterday I wrote on the mirror “don’t be afraid to write on the mirror. Love you Rachel <><
December 4, 2008
The Love Dare Day 53
Love fights fair
The most heartbreaking damage a person will ever do is likely in done in the midst of conflict. Wow isn’t that the truth. I am so guilty of this. Here are some of my best zingers that I am now very aware of and trying to avoid using.
I don’t need you.
I make as much money as you do, I could survive just fine on my own.
What don’t you just move out and leave me alone.
I am going to divorce your dumb ass.
Brian doesn’t exactly fight fair but I tend to block stuff out so really at this moment I can’t even think of what he says. Oh he does tend to call me crazy and other names I choose not to share but he never uses the divorce word. I am so guilty.
The dare was to set fight rules which we attempted to do and then started acting stupid and got distracted. He called me a hottie right in the middle of it and I said no fair calling each other nice names when we are fighting. It really went downhill (in a good way) from there. The book gave some examples and the one that I have been working on is dealing with my own issues. Like when he says or does something and I start feeling angry or bent out of shape if I think about it, I feel that way because he is hitting the insecure button or the fear of abandonment button. If I recognize this quickly there really is no argument or fight.
I feel like I am rambling on and on. I thought I was over this I am going to puke feeling but it came back around 8:30 this evening so it is a good thing I called in sick to work. I am going to bed. Brian left the light on in the bathroom again this morning so I told him if he was going to leave the light on he could at least write on the mirror. He started laughing!
December 5, 2008
The Love Dare Day 54
Love takes delight
The most important thing to learn on this journey is to lead your heart, not just follow it. Face it there are many days when you won’t feel like loving your spouse and for me today was one of them.
How many times am I going to have to ask/tell my husband that it really annoys me when he goes out after work and then tries to lie about it as if I am stupid. I really could care less if he stops by the bar for a beer or two with his work buddies. What I can’t stand is when he comes home reeking of beer or smoke and then tries to lie and say he had a beer at home when we have no beer in the house. I am not stupid and this behavior is so insulting. Of course he thinks I am being unreasonable. However let’s keep in mind my father had multiple affairs on my mother before they divorced so when the husband starts acting sneaking my brain immediately goes to the fear of abandonment place. My favorite dr. Phil quote “people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.” Maybe it’s my reaction that keeps him in this behavior. Perhaps a better thing to do would to totally ignore the beer/smoke smell and see how he reacts to that.
So the dare was to not do what you normally do and do something with your spouse. We watched a couple of movies on TV and I did not check the computer or my email once. Totally out of the ordinary for me. He sat next to me on the couch and we were all cozy till the beer smell wafted my way and he started his crap as if I was stupid. Oh well tomorrow is a new day!
December 6, 2008
The Love Dare Day 55
Love is honorable
Honor means to give someone respect and high esteem, to treat them as being special and of great worth. When they speak to you, you take them seriously, giving their words weight and significance. When they ask you to do something you accommodate them if at all possible. These are some big words if you ask me. Sounds so easy when you read it but putting it into practice is a totally different!
The next word comes from honor which is holy. The book says we should treat our spouse as if they are holy. Not that they are perfect like God but that they are set apart for a higher purpose and has a place in your heart that no one else can rival. Often you feel this way when you are first together. Aren’t those great feelings? As I’ve been on this journey I am remembering those feelings and feeling them again and it is pretty cool.
Today’s dare was to do something out of the ordinary for your spouse. Brian is still working on the pool and he finally got the last load of rocks around it. (I think he is finished for the winter). So his truck got stuck in the mud and is a big mess. He decided to drive to the gas station to let some of the mud fly off. He asked me if I wanted anything and I said sure a diet Dr. Pepper. I really thought he was going to get beer as well but later when I checked all he got was the soda. He didn’t even get gas. How sweet and certainly meet the dare. Well I decided to go through the linen closet and give away all these sheets and towels and such that we never use. I also went downstairs and am giving all the 100 book bags and cloth bags and stuff away as well. He loves when I purge the house and I don’t do it often enough. One of these days I will brave the play room….
December 7, 2008
The Love Dare Day 56
You cannot change your spouse no matter how much you want to or how hard you try. Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Wow I must be one insane nut job. But seriously how many times does the thought occur if only he would do this then things would be fine. After a while it seems you have two choices accept whatever it is or change your reaction to change his. And that is just so easy to do that I didn’t even need this love dare in the first place. Ha Ha Ha.
Today talked about prayer as teh only way to change your spouse. Just as a farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop by arguing, manipulating or demanding it to bear fruit, neither can a spouse get their spouse to grow or change by the above behavior. But a farmer knows to plant in fertile soil, give it water, protect it from the elements and give it water. Not every seed sprouts but most do when given the proper soil and what they need. So what better thing to do for your spouse than to pray for God to change them.
The dare was to pick 3 specific things and pray for your spouse. I came up with two and never could think of a third. But then I started thinking about what I need help with and the list was endless. Ok I am exaggerating a bit. I was so crabby yesterday that I am sure Brian came up with way more than 3. I did not ask him because I was not brave enough to know the truth!
December 8, 2008
The Love Dare Day 57
Love promotes intimacy
Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships. Most people come into the world with an inborn hunger to be known, loved, and accepted. The prospect of sharing our home with another person who knows us down to the most intimate detail is part of the deep pleasure of marriage. However it can also be dangerous depending on how the information is used. It can would deeply or love at depths we never imagined. It asked if your spouse makes you feel safe or scared. I am not quite to the safe zone yet and I’d be willing to say neither is Brian. I can say I am feeling a little safer sharing things with him.
Today’s dare was to make your spouse feel safe if they share personal thoughts or struggles. Well today there was a note on the magic mirror and I really can’t share it because it wasn’t exactly PG but it made me crack up and laugh. Well Emily came into my bathroom to get the straightener while the note was still up. If she saw it she didn’t say anything and Brian about had a cow. I told him it really wasn’t that big of a deal. A total 180 from the last time he left that note in my car. So maybe I am learning and applying things from this dare. Although I must say God probably had him write the note sot hat I would actually respond in a safe and funny way and not go off the deep end.
December 9, 2008
The Love Dare Day 58
Love seeks to understand
We enjoy discovering as much as we can about things we truly care about! How true is that. I think about all the sports knowledge some people carry around in their heads and it is amazing. I could take sports or leave them so I know little. When two people are dating they want to learn everything about the other and then you get married and things change. Life happens.
Today’s dare was to make dinner and spend time talking. Well I worked last night which is what I think happened 40 days ago so I told Brian I got chumped out of dinner. But we have been to dinner by ourselves a few times in the last month so maybe that counts. We have also spent more time talking in the last 58 days than we have in 10 years! No exaggeration there!
December 10, 2008
The Love Dare Day 59
Love is impossible
Never truer words ever written or spoken! Most of the time it is hard to love someone and there for a while I certainly didn’t even love myself. Now if you can’t love yourself how the heck can you love someone else. You talk about impossible and that is where I found myself most of my life but have finally come to realize it and deal with it!
But then the love dare throws a curve ball and says you should have unconditional love for your spouse. Now that is impossible even if you are totally in love with yourself (even a full blown narcissist and I have a friend who has been called that). So the only way to accomplish that is through God’s help and first you have to know he loves you. I think I probably said this 40 days ago I never felt loved by anyone my whole life till this summer on the beach at a camp call Big Stuf. Anyone who had ever went came back and said it was the best week of their life and although I fully believed them experiencing it was something totally different. Yes there were many people that loved me but I just had such big thick walls up I couldn’t feel it and thought they were only doing that because they were suppose to. Anyway after the beach I felt loved for the first time and it was a pretty awesome feeling so I let my walls down some and then they went back up for a while. They have been down for the most part during this whole love dare thing and the it has been pretty incredible. Although at times it is scary cause now if Brian left me (one of my biggest fears~fear of abandonment) it would hurt a lot worse but I know it would be worth it.
I am rambling on like a dork tonight. I graduated from counseling which was exciting and scary. I so wish I would have went 20 years ago. I was so afraid I would find out I am a horrible person and it turns out I am pretty cool after all. I also thought my main identity with my job was helping moms whose babies have died. But now that I know there is so much more to me and for me I feel myself moving away from that as well. Where God sends me next, only he knows! I still have a special place in my heart for those moms but if I don’t have them as patients I don’t get all bent out of shape anymore. Oh and speaking of the job they will not grant any vacations at this time for the summer because of the go live for computer charting that is slated for July. I went ballistic (this within 2 hours of graduating from counseling) and said there was no way in HELL I was missing big stuf the end of July. If I have to call in and risk being fired then so be it. I am not missing camp and also the church leaders have asked me to be the nurse for our church because the plan right now is to take about 300 people. I think I better invest in a first aid class since 10 years of burn unit experience tend to have me thinking way outside the box with worst case scenario injuries!
December 11, 2008
The Love Dare Day 60
Love is Jesus Christ
So today was the day that talked about accepting Jesus into your heart which I did when I was like 8 years old. It got me to thinking about how religion can really screw a person up. I went to this crazy church from age 5 to about 14 which still exists in Arnold. I can still hear and feel the alter call every week where the preacher would practically be screaming if Jesus is calling you to come down front to be saved and you don’t come and you are killed this week you will burn in hell forever. If a woman wore pants instead of a dress, same thing. My sister and I couldn’t sing in the church choir (not because we both suck at singing) but because we wore pants during the week to school. We were told over and over God had all our sins on a movie show and when we get to heaven everyone gets to watch them. Now really who would want a relationship with a crazy person like that. I mean if God is our father would we really want to interact with someone who is just waiting for us to screw up and then bash us upside the head for it instead of correcting us and loving us anyway. As for earthly parents really who would want a verbal abuser over a kind loving person who doesn’t let you get away with stuff but isn’t just slinking around looking to kill you.
December 12, 2008
The Love Dare Day 61
Love is satisfied in God
People, places, circumstances, even your spouse can let you down but God never will. Your spouse cannot enable you to be content no matter what life throws at you but God can. Sometimes that is impossible to believe when going through trying circumstances. You wonder where he is and what his purpose it and sometimes an answer never comes.
Today’s dare was to start reading the bible. Remember that from 40 days ago? I think I did it two days in a row and then a couple of weeks ago I managed two days. If listening to Rob Bell (pastor at Mars Hill church in MI) sermons count somewhat then I won’t have to feel quite as bad. I have listened to his sermons for the past 2 1/2 years as well as going to church but still fail to pick up the bible. I suck pretty much.
Things were peaceful today. Brian and I got into this who could out do the other one contest about WI cheese and I ended up winning by saying something not appropriate for facebook. It is great to be witty and be able to come up with stuff at the last minute. He watched some kind of extreme wrestling/boxing or something and I played on the computer. It is so exciting around my house! Now tomorrow I have to sneak down to the basement with Emily for the photo shoot for the calendar. More on that after I get the pictures finished!
December 13, 2008
The Love Dare Day 62
Love is faithful
I remembered today because it was talking about the guy in the bible that God had marry a hooker. Also how after they had children she left him and went back to her hooker ways and later God had this dude seek her out and forgive her and live together the rest of their lives. Brian said why didn’t God have me marry a hooker and I said I have no idea I guess it sucks to be you. Anyway the whole story is to show how God loves us that even when we turn our backs on him and go back to our “hooker ways” he is still right there waiting for us.
Today’s dare was to say I love you period. There is writing on the magic mirror in our bathroom. As usual I can’t really post it here but it totally cracked me up. The word love was used so Brian said it counted. However I have found a way to get him to say it!
Christmas angel started tonight and what a nightmare. We are doing a patient from my job and I didn’t bother to look for her house in the light. Too bad the street she lives on no longer connects to the main road. I had to call Brian from the car and have him get on map quest to tell me where this road was. I was thinking he was already on the web site when he said there in no q on the keyboard, oh wait I found it. I forgot he is not a typer so then map quest says there is no such address when prior it gave me detailed directions. I wanted to start screaming but I kept it under control. I finally found where the street was (now blocked by a QT) and managed to get to it the back way all by myself. I think Brian was even impressed because I am terrible with directions! So the next 11 days will be a lot easier and I am so hoping the forecast is wrong. We can have sleet, snow, or whatever after 12/24 when I am not driving 25 minutes to Christmas angel!
Oh and we had white castle tonight for dinner. Let’s just say never again. I went to exercise (17 weeks in a row without missing a day, I am nuts) and the kids came downstairs to play and left within five seconds. Then they left our room because of Brian. So it was stinky house tonight but hey we love each other and love covers a multitude of gas and diarrhea!!
December 14, 2008
The Love Dare Day 63
Love always protects
It is weird that I remember most of the these after about day 18 maybe because by then I wasn’t so nervous Brian was going to back out or I was feeling so much better about him. Who knows.
Anyway today spoke of the toxins that could be poisoning your marriage such as harmful influences, unhealthy relationships, shame and parasites. This is the part in the movie where the guy threw the computer in the trash. Just a few days ago Brian said when we get to that he is throwing the computer out. Of course I told him over my dead body. So he gets up to go to church with me and notices a hole in the pool cover and it puts him in a very dark mood. (I can relate because it is how I get if something goes wrong until I can fix it. Especially if it is related to this computer it makes me a maniac till I straighten it out). SO I tell him if he would rather stay home to figure out what to do that would be ok. He says no, I was kind of surprise because going to church with me means “wasting 3 hours of the day”. However it gave him a chance to talk to one of the guys he knows about the whole pool cover business. I wish you all could have seen how he patched this hole with the cover still on the pool. I should have video taped it except we do not have a video camera (never have). I am surprised he didn’t fall in the pool. Anyway he was crabby the rest of the night and was yelling at the kids in a way I haven’t heard in probably close to 53 days. It was just a reminded I don’t want to go back to that dark place ever so we will have to keep plugging along.
Oh and to end on a funny, he usually reads in the morning in the bathroom. Well because of the white castle incident from the night before he never had a chance to read the whole day. I told him to skip it because he doesn’t have much issues with parasites!
December 15, 2008
The Love Dare Day 64
Love vs. Lust
Lust is a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill. It is like a warning light on the dashboard of your heart, alerting you to the fact that you are not allowing His love to fill you. We can lust not only after possessions or power or prideful ambition but people as well.
The dare of course was to identify all objects of lust and remove it. I got to thinking a couple of years ago I fell into this category because I wanted my husband to be more in tune with God like other people’s husbands. I got so upset and disappointed because he was nothing like the guys I was thinking of. I can’t say I became real mature and realized my husband is who God made him either. I just gave up on the whole idea and fell deeper into depression. I can’t think of anything I am lusting after right now except maybe a house that doesn’t have a pool. (i.e. money pit). But I don’t want a bigger house, better job, new kids but I need to remain aware of this area because certainly it does start leading to dissatisfaction!
December 16, 2008
The Love Dare Day 65
The book says this might be the toughest in the whole dare thing. Forgiving is hard but hanging onto anger surely wastes a lot of time. Often though it is fun imaging how you will get that person back or what you will say to them. However wasted time that you could be doing other things such as reading the bible (which I still haven’t done). The book compared being in a state of unforgiveness like being in prison. All the people you won’t or can’t forgive are there but you also all there and you can’t get out. Forgiving people is hard but in the end it is the best thing to do.
Now with that stupid statement just said how hard it has been to forgive my husband for saying me after our anniversary trip over a year ago he was never going away alone with me again. Sometimes I think it would be nice to go visit Rob Bell’s church and I will start planning it and then I will think no wait that would mean we would be alone and he is NEVER doing that again. Then I get all bent out of shape and say forget it. See it’s been 14 months don’t you think I should have forgiven and been over it by now. Those words were so hurtful but they did send me down the road to some major positive life changes. so yeah I am still working on forgiving and may never finish that section!
December 17, 2008
The Love Dare Day 66
Love is Responsible
Today’s reading was all about being accountable for your own actions and where you have failed. Then you were suppose to confess them to your spouse and ask forgiveness. I remember this vividly from 40 days ago because it was a tough one. It was hard to admit it and I remember saying what I needed to say and Brian almost falling off the chair. We were out to dinner, much easier to talk than having the kids running in and out of the room. Since that day I have been trying to do this as it occurs. Like if I screw up admit it right away. Of course I am perfect so this rarely happens. Ha ha.
I finally got Emily to do the photo shoot for the calendar I am making for Brian. I am not sure if it will be done before Christmas. (If I would put the pictures on the computer and upload to Walgreen’s I would know but since I am writing love dare at 10 am the next day you can see I am a little behind). I accidentally broke the knob off our practically brand new washer (don’t ask how, too silly) so now I have to call sears and get a replacement before someone notices. That just means I will be doing laundry without asking for help. It is always something around my house!
December 18, 2008
The Love Dare Day 67
Marriage has a way of altering our vision. We go into it expecting our spouse to fulfill our hopes and make us happy. A rather impossible task! If you expect your husband to always be on time, clean up after himself and understand all your needs you will most likely live in constant disappointment. Been there and lived that way and it freaking SUCKS A BIG ONE! However if you become realistic and realize your spouse is human, forgetful, a slob and sometimes thoughtless then you became way more delighted when he is responsible loving and kind. Now I am going to relate this to soda in only a way that I could. you see we have a major soda addiction problem at our house and we usually have cans. Well they fit on this one shelf in or refrigerator a certain way (it’s called the Rachel Moehlmann way). No one ever puts them in the fridge for me and if they do they just shove them in there still in the box. Now this makes me psychotic! Well yesterday when I got up I knew I was out of soda and would have to venture to the garage to get my 12 pack. I looked in the garage and they were gone. Now imagine my delight when I opened up the fridge and they were put in there without the box. Amazing how something so freaking stupid could make my entire day. I cleaned the house and put dinner in the crock pot because I was so excited. I ended up getting yesterday off from work so I told Brian how cool it was of him to put the soda in the fridge. He looked at me like I am nuts (which I am) and smiled. Now the cans were not in neat little rows like I prefer but I left them all messy and said who cares, he loves me he put the soda’s away.
Also the book talked about seeing the speck in others while you are being blinded by a log in your own eye. I am working hard on not being a speck inspector, I need to pay attention to my own logs because surely I have many of them. It is very difficult to respond to criticism objectively and really difficult not to take it personally with your own spouse. As the years go by with this type of business you no longer want to correct things but dig in your heels. Oh how true this was about the house. Brian was always on me about it being too messy and blah blah blah. All that did was make me think I am not picking all this crap up and if it bothers you that is even better. Remember he confessed to me 40 days ago that he has been way too hard on me about the house. Well over the past 40 days I have been much better about picking stuff up. Our house will never look like a magazine but for the most part the living room floor is picked up every day. Now if I could only get the people I live with to stop piling stuff up on the coffee and end tables. That seems to bother no one but me. :0)
So it is costing me 32 bucks to replace that stupid knob on the washer. I hopped up on the washer and dryer and had Emily take my picture for that calendar. Well the washing machine is a front loader so at least 8 months ago Brian built this box thing 3 feet high to put them on so I wouldn’t have to lean over so far to switch laundry around. A really great thing except if I go missing, tell the police to check under this contraption. Well when I went to hop down I lost my balance, knocked the knob off with my big bootie and then bruised up my knee! The picture turned out really cute. Actually almost all of them did and me feeling that way is a huge change of my body image disorder I normally have. Today was the last day to order the calendar to get it in time for Christmas we’ll see if it makes it!
December 19, 2008
The Love Dare Day 68
Love makes sacrifices
Life can be hard but usually we only notice when it is hard for ourselves. We don’t notice about our spouses until they start complaining and grumbling. And usually instead of rushing into help them we just think they have a bad attitude or can’t handle pressure. However when we want to complain we want everyone to understand and feel sorry for us but everyone else just needs to suck it up. I have fallen into this category a lot and not necessarily at home. I find myself thinking like this at work a lot. There are certain people that I work with that can never seem to get anything done. they always have the worst assignment, the worst patients and the most stuff going on. It gets to a point where I don’t even offer to help because I don’t want to do their work as well as mine and I start thinking suck it up people, I can handle twice as much as you. I wish I could say this section will make me help them more but it probably won’t. Hopefully it will just help me realize I am not focusing on others. Brian rarely complains so if he is having a bad day I usually have no idea.
Love is to keep you so tuned into to what your spouse needs that you often respond without being asked. If you happen not to notice and are told you respond to the heart of the problem. The reading stated there are types of needs you should be looking for in your spouse rather than sitting around upset because they are not treating you the way you think they should. The needs are sex, time and attention, home to be a refuge and sanctuary, loving affirmation, safety, and a place to be free of interruption. Now it would be awesome to live in this place 24/7
The dare was to identify a need your spouse has that you could lift from their shoulders by a daring act of sacrifice. So I asked Brian if he had anything and of course his answer was a total man answer. He then told me he didn’t ask me because he knows I don’t have any. I thought the I am the strongest person in the world wall was down low enough that he could see that was an act. Maybe I have a lot more work to do. I think maybe I better go look for my counselors number!
December 20, 2008
The Love Dare Day 69
The love that’s demanded from you in marriage is not dependent on your mates sweetness or suitability. Love between a husband and a wife should have one chief objective to honor God with devotion and sincerity. This book has a lot of hard things to live out. I mean it is so much easier to love Brian when he is doing what I want him to do than when he is acting like a butt head.
However, today I think he was replaced by an alien. I decided to go to the mall (a rather stupid idea) to get my nephews birthday present from the dugout. So when I called him saying I was on my way he was like I’ll go with you. I think my head spun around again (it’s been a while). However, I was already half way there but he was willing to tag along just to keep my company. Please tell me if I have crossed over into the twilight zone. See the night before I said Emily was cheering at a game and he said oh we can go. I was like who is we? He never volunteers to do that sort of stuff. Yeah I think I better go look in the backyard for the burn marks from the alien landing! Oh as for the mall, he needed to get something. He is re-gripping his friends golf clubs for him and forgot to buy a new grip for the putter. But it still isn’t my husband who is willing to go to the mall the Saturday before Christmas. The traffic was well stupid.
Today’s dare was to pray for your spouse and tell them you love them. So I was reading while he was in the shower and I said “oh cool today is the I love you day you have to say it.” SO he says it from the shower and I rip open the shower curtain and scare the crap out of him and tell him that doesn’t count. So when I got home from bowling there was a nice note on the mirror and the words I love you. Pretty awesome stuff!
December 21, 2008
The Love Dare Day 70
Love brings unity
For some reason I can’t summarize today’s reading so if you want to know about it buy the book. Ha! or go back and see what I wrote on day 30.
The dare was to isolate and area of division in your marriage and pray about it. Ask God to reveal anything that is threatening oneness with your spouse. I really didn’t think of anything until later.
My husband is still abducted by aliens. He wouldn’t go to church with me today because Kid Stuf is too weird and regular church is too late. So he went to his church and I went to mine. Well he was home way earlier than me so he already had vacuumed and picked all the crap off the floor. Now that freed me up to pick all the crap up that people pile everywhere and we started talking about church. My husband says out of the clear blue sky Pastor Rusnick’s sermons are nothing like Pastor Tom’s. I wish your church wasn’t so late. That head spinning thing happened again. So I told him we had nine am service but that kind of messes me up because I would have to miss kid stuf. But maybe it is time for me to quit kid stuf for a while if it means Brian would come to church with me. So I have decided to pray about this and this whole two church thing does kind of screw with the oneness of marriage!
The past few days have just been weird. I can’t even explain it but it is like I am in the twilight zone in a great way! And yes Pastor Tom’s sermons do rock and it was amazing he said that because usually he complains about my crazy church, not give compliments!
December 22, 2008
The Love Dare Day 71
Love and marriage
Marriage is to bring unity between husband and wife. These two are to leave their family and cling to one another. However sometimes this is not the case and one or the other or both hang on to their parents. I said last time neither of our parents have ever been an issue but at times my sister has. I have confided in her many times over Brian because she was so much safer. I didn’t have to worry about her laughing at me or thinking I am stupid or I am making stuff up because she was with me in my childhood. The dare was to confess it and I haven’t done that just yet, probably tomorrow.
So Brian said to me today that he had to go to his church so he could do communion. I said for the hundredth time he can take communion at my church. He just looked at me because for some reason he has it in his head a preacher has to bless it, and say all those words or it doesn’t count. But I didn’t go down that road instead I said oh well I decided if you want to come to my church I will go to 9 am with you and give up kid stuf. He didn’t say anything so I said I hope you realize you are pretty darn special if I am willing to give up Kid Stuf for you. And yes I will and after I made that decision I remembered Brian does not go to church every week, more like 3 out of 4 so if he continues that pattern I can still get my kid stuf high once a month. Even compromising can work out very well. And thanks to the two people that emailed me about this very subject. I appreciated your input!!
December 23, 2008
The Love Dare Day 72
Love meets sexual needs
Yep it was that one again and probably the one Brian looked most forward too! Now aren’t I funny? Well the dare was done well and all is good.
Let’s see I woke up to the soda’s being put away in the fridge. Now it is amazing how something so stupid and piddley can make my whole day. I walked around saying once again he loves me, he put the soda’s away. I wish I could say I cleaned the whole house but that would be a lie. I just wasn’t in the mood. I barely made it to the store to get the food for Christmas. I bought enough cheese to feed 20,000 rats! The knob for the washer came yesterday and it is all fixed with a certain person not having a clue. He will find out eventually because all three girls know and sometime it will slip out. However it will be fixed so he won’t be able to complain. The calendar came today and it turned out pretty good. Actually I think it is hilarious, some of the captions were over the top. Either just plain ridiculous or suggestive! I can no longer deny I am creative. I use to think I wasn’t but I have learned over the past 14 months I am. After all once the girls at work see what I turned these plastic tubing’s into for Christmas they will either say I am creative or just freaking nuts. Freaking nuts might be a better description! Those were fun to make and after Christmas I’ll take a picture of them and post it because I am freaking nuts with nothing better to do! Not much else to report except tomorrow night I will finally know what is engraved on that orange ipod. We exchange gifts my side of the family on Christmas Eve and Brian’s side Christmas Day. This year the eve is at my sisters house and the day is at mine. For the past 3 or 4 both have been at ours. I am sure the trash man will be happy because there will be less trash this year!!
December 24, 2008
The Love Dare Day 73
Love completes each other
2 hands work together better than only having one hand. Therefore husband and wife work together better than separate. It helps create harmony for where one is weak the other is strong. So today I found Brian vacuuming which freed me up to pick more crap up. I swear everyone in this family is a bunch of pilers. So for the most part the house is organized for Christmas tomorrow. We will be having his family over. I decided to write on the magic mirror today and I will share what I wrote. Brian you complete me, love Rachel. Now I considered writing Jerry and then crossing it out (you know from Jerry McGuire) but I decided to throw wit out the window and be serious for a change.
Ok enough of this dare stuff lets talk about the ipod! On the back of my cool orange ipod it says To Rach I dare you love Brian. Pretty awesome stuff as that goes right along with this whole love dare thing. The book dares you to stay in for the whole 40 days. I got all emotional and almost started crying. Oh he really liked his calendar and didn’t get too bent out of shape about the knob. Yes I confessed as I am a terrible liar and can never keep the story straight!
I told my mother I graduated from counseling and since I was cussing like a sailor she said I needed to go back to grad school! Now you all know where I get my sense of humor.
Merry Christmas everyone!
December 25, 2008
The Love Dare Day 74
Love celebrates godliness
The world is busy 24/7 trying to lure you away from God’s truth and tell you that it is all about you and what you want. The book warns of this and to focus rather on God’s truths. The dare was to point out a recent example of your spouse being Godly. So I was thinking about this and last week Brian was putting new grips on his friends golf clubs. The guy tried to pay him for it and he said no way. It probably took him a couple of hours. Brian does do nice things for people more than I realize or give him credit so it is time to really start paying attention to that!
December 26, 2008
The Love Dare Day 75
Love is accountable
Today was the day where you are suppose to find a marriage mentor who is a strong Christian and honest and loving. I still pick Herc and Christy and Brian was still aggravating me with his friend Mike because Mike’s wife is a saint for dealing with him. Well I am no saint and I could never put up with Mike which is why God paired me with Brian in the first place!
Wise people seek counsel and fools never ask for it and ignore it when given to them. Better to listen to the wise people then spend years of your life learning hard painful lessons. So where were the wise people in my life a few years back. Just a joke! I know quite a few now.
Things are so peaceful around here that there isn’t much to write about so I thought I’d entertain you with Brian’s Christmas gifts to the girls. He gave Emily a universal lid for skillets, he gave Kayla two skillets and he gave Allyson a potato chopper to make fried potatoes with. Emily and Kayla told him his presents sucked since they were really for him and the rest of the family cracked up. He informed those two they need to learn how to cook so he was helping them out with proper cooking supplies. At least I was smart this year and told Brian what he was getting me. No way was I getting a fire extinguisher or a carbon monoxide detector this year!
December 27, 2008
The Love Dare Day 76
Love is God’s word
The whole reading and the dare was about reading the bible. I am no closer to doing that then the last 3 times I have written about this. However come the first of the year my small group is doing a study on Knowing the bible 101, so maybe that will help. Our new nazi group leader has already given out the first reading assignment and we don’t start back until like January 7.
Today was my cousin Eddie’s wedding. He is 7 years older than Emily just like his father (uncle Larry) is 7 years older than me. It was fun times. The first outfit I put on was way too big so I thought of Kim (Brian and my adopted daughter) who would be telling me I need to go on what not to wear so I pulled out this dress I swore would never fit and it did. So at least I had something on that I wasn’t swimming in. Brian seemed to really like it. It was like almost 70 degrees when we headed to Wentzville. It started pouring rain and during the ceremony it was thundering. What is up with thunder in December anyway. It was at a Lutheran church and the pastor was young and hip and made me think of Pastor Kevin. How did he start his little sermon by bringing up the show what not to wear. He was talking about the wedding clothes and what you would wear to get married in. Then he started speaking of marriage clothes which tied in perfectly to this love dare thing. He was reading out of Colossians and Corinthians. Brian and I just smiled at each other. It was really cool. The reception was right afterwards and if you all could have been flies on the wall you would know why my family does not drink alcohol. It is because we can have a blast straight up sober and look like we are all drunk. My Aunt and mother were out on the dance floor dancing it up like crazy girls. My uncle was doing the video taping and swearing he would win a contest on youtube. They played a slow song and Brian asked me to dance. Holy cow I almost fainted and I said sure. I think the rest of the family nearly fainted too! I am telling you 76 days of love dare, divine intervention from God, 14 months of counseling for me can change everything. Brian kind of wanted to go to the lake this weekend and I told him no way I wanted to spend the day with him at Eddies wedding. Yes 14 months ago I would have been like go to the lake and get away from me so I can have fun with my family without you. Love from God changes everything!
December 28, 2008
The Love Dare Day 77
Love agrees in prayer
God’s wedding gift to couples is prayer and the book says if you pray together you will improve your relationship with a 100% money back guarantee. This may sound totally ridiculous to some, I find it totally frightening because praying out loud is just scary. I commented 40 days ago I have only done it like twice and I had my small group laughing. I tend to talk to God the same way I write these love dares. I am such a nutjob!! As these dare days come to a close we have some areas to work on as in reading the bible (which was talked about in church today and compared to the Wii fit) and this praying thing.
Today it was almost time to leave for church and Brian looks at me and says we aren’t having communion today so I might as well go to your church. I need to be home for football so you aren’t going anywhere are you. I told him no but it would be close to 12:30 and he said that was ok. Then I said to him why didn’t you tell me this 20 minutes earlier and we could have went to early church and you wouldn’t have to sit through Kid Stuf. This was the first time ever he went to Kid Stuf twice in the same month so I had to explain to him how the virtues work and it is the same one for a month. This months was Generosity making someone’s day by giving something away. The bottom line is different each week and this weeks was don’t let your stuff get in the way of helping someone or something close to that. Church was really good too because Tom equated fear of reading the bible the same fear he has of stepping on the Wii Fit and hearing his weight. All his family members have normal BMI except him. (this sounds all too familiar) I emailed him and told him the stupid thing has told me I am overweight for the past 134 days and I refuse to let that keep me from getting on the thing. I thought about emailing him and telling him to put his height in at 6’11” and say his clothes weigh 15 pounds then he would for sure be in the normal range. See I can find a way around anything. So I am still in shock that Brian came to church on his own. I hadn’t even asked him or mentioned it all except for last week when I told him I would give Kid Stuf up for him. Things are so weird around here. Oh and since Fireproof is showing at church we are going to go see it again on Friday to officially end the love dare! However even though it is ending I still plan to keep it’s principals in practice, they are straight out of “the handbook from the world’s greatest coach!”
December 29, 2008
The Love Dare Day 78
Love fulfills dreams
What is something your spouse would really really love? And how often do you ask yourself that? Prior to this 80 days I can honestly say never. Horrible I know but I really didn’t care and if I thought of something no way was I considering it because after all he wasn’t doing a damn thing for me so why should I do anything for him. It asked the question what if the one thing you said you’d never do for them became the next thing you did. I did indeed do this last week and I think it blew my husband away. I can’t share everything but I will say it was probably the thing he least expected and was received very well. Then there is the whole calendar thing too. I think right now that silly thing is his most prized possession. Did I mention he couldn’t find it the other day and almost sounded panicked. He swears he is putting it in his toolbox. Apparently these raunchy pipefiiters usually have nudie type calendars in their toolbox so if my crazy calendar finds his way to his that sure screams loud and clear to me. I would have never imagined but then I should keep in mind Brian has always told me I was hot, cute etc! I can also honestly say if this were last year I would have never done the calendar and I certainly wouldn’t have had as much fun doing it as I did this year. I now can fully relate to a friend of mine that said she wished she would have went to counseling 30 years ago. I so wished I would have went at least 20. Between that and this crazy love dare my life is not even close to what it use to be.
I think these notes are getting more and more sappy every day. What the hell has happened to me? I think I have fallen back in love with my husband and what an awesome thing! I was going to write a bible verse on the magic mirror but I have no idea where it is located in the bible. I tried to look in the index and still couldn’t find it. Pastor Tom says people are afraid of the bible, well I was just plain old frustrated, I’d much rather listen to the Wii Fit scream you’re over weight any day of the week!
December 30, 2008
The Love Dare Day 79
This is the ultimate dare in the book to keep pursing love even if it not returned. Luckily in my case it is returned. This was the day to write the commitment letter out and since I still have Brian’s from last time I pulled it out and read it. He has only written me a letter only 3 other times so I did not expect him to write it again. It was powerful enough the first time. Now because Brian left the letter I wrote him lying on the table it got recycled so I wrote him a much shorter letter on the magic mirror. I just went in and checked and he did not erase part of the words and turn it into something racy like he did the last time. In Kid Stuf Herc use to do this thing where he made words out of the virtue for the month. I think Brian would be real good with this if he kept it PG. Last months virtue was gratitude. I wonder what perv stuff Brian could come up with?
Tomorrow is the last day, wow the 80 went fast. So much has changed, so much for the better. Way too cool for words!
December 31, 2008
The Love Dare Day 80
Love is a Covenant
Although we have reached the end of the book the experience and challenge of loving each other never comes to an end. And even though the book has ended doesn’t mean we have to stop the dare. I feel much more confident at the end of these second 40 days than I did at the end of the first 40. Marriage in not a contract in which you can get out of but instead it is a covenant which is a verbal commitment based not trust, assuring someone that your promise is unconditional and good for life. God made covenants throughout the bible and not contracts. Such as never flooding the world again, with Abraham, Moses and ultimately the new covenant through Christ. The reading ends this way. Your life together is before you. Dare to talk hold of it and never let go. We dare you. This is where the inscription from my ipod comes in which Brian dares me. The dare is to renew your vows which we are thinking of doing early this summer and then having a pool party. We will just have to memorize the love is patient, love is kind versus if we want Pastor Tom to do it. That is one of his criteria for marrying people.
The last eighty days have been challenging and there were some really hard stuff but the healing that has occurred has been so worth the pain of going through it. I actually love Brian again and want to spend time with him rather than other people. I am alive emotionally again with the help of counseling, God and the experience at Big Stuf this summer. What a great way to start 2009! I put my rings back on this morning, I haven’t worn them since August maybe! I can’t exactly remember when I took them off! Hey they still fit so I guess I didn’t pork on too much holiday weight this year. That is my next goal to get my eating back under control and of course to continue on this exercise course. Saturday will be 20 weeks in a row without missing a day. Maybe my mom is right I need to go back to grad school counseling. :0)
Have a happy New Year everyone! I will still write some notes but not every day. That should give me some time to meal plan. HAHAHAHA!