Category Archives: Big Stuf

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The Flip Side 1 and 2

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The theme for Big Stuf this year is the flip side. Basically how you see yourself versus how others (God) sees you. The question was asked what are you known for? This has changed over the years.

When I was young I was known for having divorced parents and ruined for life. My parents divorced in 1972 when it was not cool or normal at all. I spent a good portion of my life proving everyone who said that wrong. My goal was to become a nurse, get a masters degree and rock life. Somehow I met this guy named Brian at the beginning of nursing school and ended up married with three kids and a bachelors degree instead. He will receive a jewel in his crown in Heaven for dealing with me for the past forty years. We will be married thirty-five years this October which made our girls unusual because their parents are still married.

Also in my younger years I was known for having a big chest. Back in 1978, the only person with breast implants was Dolly Parton and no one had a big chest. I was teased horribly throughout middle school. My dad had brought me a T-shirt back from his trip to Colorado which said Colorado on it. I was called Colorado mountains. Mount St Helens erupted during this time so I was called Mount St. Rachel’s. After my junior year in high school I had a breast reduction and to this day I cannot understand why anyone would want implants.

About eight years ago my boss introduced me to the new social worker for our floor. She said “this is Rachel and she’s high energy”. I looked at her as if she was insane and asked do you really think that? She was like yes for sure. I did finally embrace that description. It was surely evident two weeks ago at my first Kesem camp of the summer. The camp site had horrible hills and was totally spread out. I averaged about ten miles a day. The other nurse who was half of my age was dying by the second day. She had to lay down as her feet were killing her. I found myself running up and down the hills twice as much as the younger kids. I must agree with high energy.

Jesus can flip your story as evidenced by Mary Magdalene. She was known as being possessed by seven demons. I actually thought she was a prostitute. She became one of Jesus close followers and the first to see him after he came back from the dead. Of course she didn’t recognize him and thought he was the gardener. I could see myself thinking that as well. The name Magdalene was thought to mean tower of faith. Something I had never heard.

Mole Moral ~ How God sees us is one thousand times better than we see ourselves.

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Big Stuf Homecoming Wrap Up

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I did not write as much this camp because I couldn’t stop talking to my roommate Kristin. The one who is just barely older than Emily. I had a great week with her and hoping she not only comes next year but stays with me. She was a great help with removing splinters, cleaning scrapes and applying bandaids. She said but “I’m not a nurse.” I informed her she’s a mom and can handle 90% of the kids issues.

I missed session five which is almost always the accept Jesus into your heart night. We had thirty kids stand up for the first time to accept Jesus. There was more talk about the prodigal son so by missing it I thought I was safe. Wrong answer! It continued through the last two sessions. I did not take notes for seven because after the fire alarm and evacuating the building for almost an hour, my mind was not there. Plus the speaker was so engaging I decided to give full attention.

Meredith is the first girl speaker I ever remember and she started off a little slow but had the audience fully engaged rather quickly. On a side note last year my church implemented a rule that students hand over phones to leaders before session starts and get them back after small group. No one seemed to even complain about it this year.

House Rules of God

1. We have a good Father who meets us exactly where we are. In the story he meets the younger brother right in the mess he is in and accepts him the way he is. He also met the older brother where he was on the straight and narrow path. Home is the place we come and stay when it is safe to be real. So many people don’t even have a place where they feel safe to be their real self.

2. In God’s house we must address our obsession with self. The average American touches their phone two thousand six hundred and seventy times a day. Mine is probably five thousand. The world is curated to feed self. Just think of social media which this obsession is not working. America has dropped out of the top twenty for happy people. It’s almost impossible to be happy or content with what is fed to us on social media. Everyone looks perfect, only posts perfection and happy stories and seem to have everything they want. It’s all false and destructive. God loves us how he made us, not how we compare to everyone else.

3. We need to see one another as brother and sister and label each other this way. Labels matter and I’m going to be real it can be quite fun to label those that are not like me. It makes me feel better about myself but what does it do for the one who is labeled. I should know better as I was teased horribly in middle school. Brother and sister not dork and dork junior. God gives us all a label and it’s quite simple. Child of God.

4. We see ourself as son or daughter. That’s our label.

This was by far the best camp since my very first. Maybe because they had a song that matched the theme. I recommend listening to Homecoming by Bethel music. It is a great song and the entire theme of camp went along with this. My first camp was Broadcast and it also had a song. I just felt this year was intentional from start to finish and once again the best week of the year.

Mole Moral 30 kids accepted Christ plus 27 were baptized in the ocean equals an amazing week.

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The Prodigal Son

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This mornings session talked about the story of the prodigal son. The kid who asked for his inheritance early then left home squandered it away and ended up cleaning pig pens. Upon his return home to ask his dad for a job he was welcomed with open arms and a big party thrown for him. The older son who stayed and worked the farm and did not spend his money was mad and refused to join the welcome home party. Basically no matter what we do or how far we wander God welcomes us back with open arms.

This story always sends me back to a certain Christmas Eve. If I had to guess the year I’d say it was 2015. This would be the last year my mom and dad celebrated Christmas Eve together as they had done every year since I could remember. Looking back on it my dad purposefully picked a fight with my mom and threw this story in her face. It got so bad my mom left and I retreated into myself. After this my dad would come in the afternoon and my mom in the evening up until 2019, the last time I saw my dad alive.

So I veered off course, no surprise there. The question was raised which son are you. The speaker admitted he was the wild one and high school left him with regrets. I am the one that stays behind that does it all right and then gets annoyed that the rule breakers are in the same spot as me. However if I’m really honest my life has been a lot easier than the crazy folks. My favorite line from this morning, sin comes prepackaged with consequences you often don’t see coming and sometimes it’s years later. As for me way too afraid of those consequences so pretty much stayed the straight arrow course. If you don’t believe me, ask my husband. He’s called me square and lamo all our life. He will never admit this to me but it’s the way he really wants it.

I’m hanging with a kid tonight and missing session. She feels bad and I said nah I know what tonight is about so no need to feel bad. This is what I’m here for and it keeps me needed.

Mole Moral ~ The straight and narrow path may be a tad boring but it sure is a thousand times easier than the crooked wide path.

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Big Stuf

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I just finished session three and haven’t written a thing until now. This years theme is Homecoming. The first night was name three words that come to your mind when you think about your home. Mine were safe, comfy and crazy in that order. Interesting choice but could also add loud and noisy although now that the birds are out of the nest it’s not as loud. But I also thought of the kids in the room whose adjectives would be more like lonely, stiff, harsh, stressful, unfeeling and then I stopped myself because life is so freaking hard for kids these days.

Ever since my first camp in 2008 when the theme was Broadcast, I have said I wish every teenager could attend this camp just once in their life. Tonight I was reminded of why I feel this way and felt all over again what makes me say this. I went to camp originally because Kayla was so shy and barely talked. The song How He Loves was new and was written for a best friend that was killed in a car accident

Between Big Stuf and that song I was hit by a ton of bricks and smacked upside the head by God. Prior to this week, I had never FELT love. I knew people loved me but I never felt it. I remember getting home from camp and telling Brian this and him telling me that was the stupidest thing he ever heard and I was wrong people loved me. I remember thinking in my head actually you are the one who is stupid. You don’t even know what feelings are much less how to express them.

So tonight when the band sang it, they sang the original version “and Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart beats violently inside my chest when I think about the way he loves us.” When David Crowder recorded it he changed it to “when Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss.” I always preferred the sloppy wet version. The song is about how messy life really gets and yet God is there unchanged. It actually fits in perfect with the theme this week.

Mole moral~ I’ll say it loud for the people in the back, I wish everyone could attend this camp just one time in their life.

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The God Factor

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This was the title of this past Sundays sermon. I actually applied it to myself. Tom was saying in most situations we “run the numbers” to see if something would work and often leave God out of it.

Next month it will be FIVE years since I left Mercy hospital. I took the summer off to spend with my girls as all three would be home that summer most likely for the last time. I was trying to figure out my next job when I ran across the posting on Indeed looking for a volunteer nurse for Camp Kesem Washington University. I applied and got the job. It was a great week and when I was told Maine was looking for a nurse I jumped on board. Maine was also an incredible week and I got all emotional thinking about not being able to come next year because I would be the new person, least seniority, not enough time off and on and on at the new job. I never once gave God a second thought about this.

In true God fashion he said “here Rachel hold my beer” and bam covid hit. All camps were cancelled that summer so I didn’t miss any Kesem or Big Stuf. The next summer Big Stuf was on and I got the time off. The following summer Kesem was back in session but another coworker was going to Ireland the same week as Maine so I did a camp in Arizona instead. This past summer I did Arkansas, Wash U and Maine. While at Arkansas the girl that would be in charge of 2024 camp for Oklahoma was helping out. She said to me, you must do Oklahoma next year. Then when I went to Maine, the camp advisor was one of the counselors from Arizona the year before. He also told me I must do his camp in 2024. His camp is also in Arizona but a different university. I remember saying I’m going to need a different job. They said to me let us pay you and not volunteer. I said money is not the issue, it’s the time off. I thought to myself there is no way I can have five weeks off next summer.

In January God said once again “umm Rachel, hold my beer.” I have worked in the only unit that is borderline over staffed. We have had a part time RN position on hold for six months. Three days after my surgery I found out they were going to fill it. I wanted to bang my head on the wall and say why doesn’t anyone ever listen to me. And then I realized I could do all five camps this summer. So I announced my plans to everyone. Some of the camps don’t run all week so I can do camp and still work thereby hoarding my vacation time. As Brian always says, all I do is go on vacation.

This Monday the new girl has decided we have too much staff and is looking to drop to prn. I immediately panic and think I’m not going to be able to do camp. I’m texting people about it. So at the end of the day she is telling me her thoughts and plans and I swear God is yelling “did you even listen on Sunday. How many times do I have to tell you that I have this covered?” I guess he will have to beat me over the head for me to get this straight.

Mole Moral ~ God has my back on camp and this summer is going to be amazing.

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A Nickname Revealed

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Blake is the third kid God has put in my life through BigStuf camp. He was a seventh grader when I met him. I believe he was diagnosed at the age of six with type 1 diabetes and had an insulin pump. From my nursing experience most people with a pump know way better than any hospitalist how to manage their blood sugars. I have never worked with the pediatric population but I have a feeling the same is true. I wasn’t even nervous about Blake until the first morning when his sugar dropped to 40’s and he slept right through his alarm.

I’m pretty sure it was that first year he lost his insulin and didn’t say anything until his blood sugar was sky high and only reading high on his dexacom monitor. I knew it would take some time to get insulin called in locally and to get it picked up. Luckily, I had another type 1 who had insulin in my fridge Blake had syringes with him so he dosed himself with 20 units of regular. His mom got a hold of diabetic coordinator from Cardinal Glennon and I spent the next couple of hours on and off the phone with them. When I told them how much insulin Blake had dosed with, they said it was way too much and he would crash. However, that never happened and he only hit about 200. That just led me to believe his sugar was pretty high and I think his breakfast carb load was 65. About this time his leader found his insulin and we changed his pump site. I would find out later he texted his mom saying he thought he was going to die. The rule is, no one dies at camp, too much paperwork.

The next year I connected my phone to his blood sugar monitor. Now that was an eye opening scary experience for me. He would be alarming high 400 and then low 42. It was up and down the entire week. I had one friend I would share the numbers with to keep me from panicking. It was this year that Blake was given his nickname.

In the Mole family if we like you, you get a nickname. My girls friends all know theirs. We must love our dogs because they all have had many names. Now I’m horrible at remembering names, in part because of hippa. If I don’t know the patients name, I can’t get fired for talking about them. Because of Blake’s blood sugars all over the place I came up with blood sugar Blake. Of course I never told him this, I cannot remember if I ever told his mom.

Blake graduated from high school this year so it was his very last BigStuf. No better time than to reveal his nickname to him. He is going to be a paramedic/firefighter so I told him the same think I told a kid name Jack ten years ago. It doesn’t matter if you do CPR wrong, the person is dead and you can’t make them more dead. If you bring them back it’s a bonus. Blake told his friends my nickname and they all started calling him it. So I guess I didn’t offend him too much. This week he decided to try Lantus so he wouldn’t have to wear his pump. I never saw him for blood sugar issues so I’m assuming it was a nice break.

Somehow I managed to not take any pictures the other years. I can blame 2019 on my sabbatical before I changed jobs. 2021 my father had just died and I have zero memories of camp. Last year I was so sick with respiratory stuff (not covid, two negative tests) I didn’t even notice the band had changed. This year I was finally back to my old self and had an absolute blast!

Mole Moral~ Invest your time in others, the payoff is incredibly high and rewarding.

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The Altar Call

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Session five is always the night where the speaker leads kids to Jesus and at the end if they believe (for the first time) Jesus is who he says he is and that he died for us they stand up. Then after the session ends the group leaders chat with the kids who stood up.

This was a weekly thing in the Baptist church I attended from the age of six to twelve. Every Sunday at the end of church we would sing Just as I am with heads bowed while the preacher would say things such as if Jesus is calling you to come down to the front and you ignore him and die this week you will go to hell. As an adult I can see where they fully believed this and were passionate but as a kid this was as frightening as the thought of Hell. I am not even sure what age I was when I finally got the nerve to go down front and then was taken into a private room where a nice lady had her Bible out and we read some scripture and then prayed for Jesus to come into my heart. A lot of Christians can tell you the actual date they were saved, this hot mess here can’t even tell you the age she was much less a date.

Of course we sing before the talk started and I don’t even know the name of the song we were singing. It was new to me so cut me some slack. Anyway as we were singing it was like the room changed and all of a sudden I realized my father and his parents are singing straight up with Jesus and I could feel that presence which immediately made me start crying. And then all the kids who passed away in the burn unit came flying into my head. It was rare to lose a kid but we did and they all came back and most I hadn’t thought about in twenty years. But they are all up there too with my dad and Jesus. How awesome that day will be when I’m reunited with my Heavenly Father and all the special people who have gone before me.

Mole Moral ~ Earth is temporary while Heaven is forever!

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Turn the Light On

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Jesus said “I am the light of the world!” While sin will lead down a path of darkness , following Jesus will lead you into the light.

Sin disguises itself as a pet when in reality it is a predator. Noah talked about a guy in South Africa that adopted a hippo as a pet. True story as I just looked it up. He was busy telling everyone it was like a son to him and as safe as a dog. Until the day the hippo chewed him up and killed him. Hippos kill more humans than lions. Just like sin, neither are your friends.

Confession to God and a trusted friend can help you fight your way out of bad choices. My favorite saying “everyone doesn’t need to know everything about you but someone should”. I have a friend like that and if she only hadn’t moved away. We had some good times on her front porch when I was freaking out!

So I promised The Who said I love you first story. Herc leaned over and asked so I told him. Anyway Brian was dropping me off at nursing school after Thanksgiving break. I had been trying to get the nerve up to say it for a couple weeks. So I’m pretty sure I blurted it out mid conversation. Yes he said it back, I ran up to my floor and told my two besties it finally happened. At least he didn’t throw up after I said it, like Noah’s now wife did. She had eaten bad fish the night before.

Mole Moral ~ Light is light, sin is darkness.

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The Key to Fishing

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I am writing about this mornings session in quite a bit of pain. I do not know what is going on with my right rib cage but the pain upon breathing has really ramped up since this morning. If I had a rash I’d diagnose myself with shingles since it seems to be along a nerve route. But it’s probably the American Mole Virus again. Ha.

So this morning Noah talked about fishing and what are you looking for in life. Is it social media affirmation, is it money, is it a good job, a place to belong, joy or a ring by spring. All of this stuff brings about temporary happiness. Just look at the famous people who have all of this but are still a mess and make insane decisions.

If you lean on Jesus and follow his ways you will have fulfillment that lasts. However this is easier said than done. Just like the best fisherman know where to fish because good fishing is choosing the right spot.

He told a story about a friend in high school that was in a very bad accident who should have died and if lived basically been a vegetable for life. But he proved everyone wrong and turned into a miracle and walked out of the hospital. He wasn’t the nicest person prior but after he made up his mind that he was so close to dying that now he would live. He changed his entire outlook became nice to others and would seek out those sitting alone. Noah invited him to youth group and he came and ended up with 400 plus kids attending from 100. It seems a life altering event always goes one of two ways. You change like the friend or you worry you are going to die for the rest of your life which must be a horrible way to live.

Mole Moral ~ Remember God loves you just as you are today. No need to straighten up before you meet him. I mean he deals with me on a daily basis so the rest of you are a piece of cake!

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If You Know, You Know

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Big Stuf kicked off last night. The speaker was new to camp and his name is Noah Herrin. It seems his job is speaking around the country and not tied to Atlanta like a lot of the speakers have been.

The theme of camp this year is HELLO. Jesus says hello in the form of I am and fill in the blank. They told us to fill in blank and my answer I am sick. Some people yelled out excited and things like that.

The recurring theme of the talk was you can either know of Jesus or know Jesus. Knowing of him gives you knowledge and can change some things while actually knowing him changes everything. He then told us the story of Andrew meeting Jesus. Jesus came walking by and Andrew just started walking with him. I would have started running if some dude was following me. But since Jesus is bold he straight up asked Andrew what he was doing. Shortly after Andrew asked where he was staying. If some rando asked me where I was staying I might call 911. But again Jesus is not me (that’s a very good thing) and invited him to come and see. And then Andrew joined him and after one day ran home and got his brother. I always wondered why Simon’s name was changed to Peter. Simon means shaky and unstable while Peter means rock and steady. I thought that was pretty cool. I wonder what Jesus would change my name to?

Noah likened following Jesus to cliff jumping. His friends invited him and he wasn’t so sure but he did jump and found out he enjoyed it. He said now if he would have stood on the cliff and watched or hung out at the bottom and watched, it would not be the same experience. He hopes everyone meets Jesus this week. That sentence right there flashed me back to my first camp of 2008. I would say yes I met Jesus right then and there and for the first time in 41 years I could finally feel love. Before this I knew people loved me but I never felt it. This is another example of you know, you know. If you don’t be glad because I missed out on a lot up until that point in my life. So just like the speaker I hope every kid here leaves knowing God loves them!

Mole Moral ~ Even so sick I should have stayed home, camp is amazing and worth potentially never getting better!