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Beauty Beyond Bones

This is the name of a blog who has been following me for quite some time. At first I thought maybe it had been a year but then I get to thinking back and it seemed like she found me right after Big Stuf the summer of 2016. I remembered this because her blog is about recovery from anorexia and there was a girl at camp that summer that was struggling with it. I actually had preconceived notions about her dad (nothing related to the eating disorder) and he came to camp to keep an eye on her. I spent some time with him and God was like bam you idiot stop looking at people through your eyes only. I meant to start reading her blog back then but I never got around to it.

One of the reasons is I’m lazy about reading. I use to love to read but now given the choice I will waste time playing stupid games on my phone. The other reason is my sister has battled an eating disorder off and on since she was 18 years old. It is always very easy to tell how she is doing based on where her weight is at. So maybe a week or so ago I decided now was the time and started at the beginning. I think she has been writing for 2 1/2 years so I am no where close to being caught up. I haven’t even finished the first year. All of the posts are so good that I have been taking my time reading them and reflecting on them.

I think by about the fifth or sixth blog a light bulb went on in my head and I understood why my counselor told me that I could easily slip into an eating disorder. (That conversation with her also showed up on time hop a month or so ago). I remember telling her at the time I enjoyed food too much. I also remembered that was back when I was running a lot. Ok I know I just trained and ran a fifty but I did this much slower and walked a lot of the training. Back then I could run a half marathon with no walking. And i was super focused on nutrition and what I was eating. The last year I have managed to eat all junk and highly processed food and if I hadn’t been training I would have easily been right back to my starting weight (170) for the fourth time in my life. However food and nutrition is my next blog post. I don’t even know this girls name but so much of what she has written I have totally related to. I remember studying eating disorders in nursing school and telling Brian I had all the signs and he told me that was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. Back then I thought wow maybe I am stupid but I learned a long time ago when he cannot handle something he says stupid things.

So yes this girl went to inpatient for recovery but she said her recovery did not start there but actually with Jesus and when she realized he died on the cross for HER. She relates a lot of her life to bible stories which I love because it’s like reading the bible. I told you I just don’t read like I use to. It’s also like being in church while laying on my couch. She is not preachy or over bearing or obnoxious, she is just awesome. So today at church my favorite young adult sang my favorite song. I heard it first when she sang it and she sings it better than Steffany Gretzinger. While we were singing it I thought of Beauty and I hope she has heard it. Here are the words and as you read it, imagine Jesus saying it to YOU only.

Come out of hiding
You’re safe here with Me
There’s no need to cover
What I already see

You’ve got your reasons
But I hold your peace
You’ve been on lockdown
And I hold the key

‘Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles, My victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home

I’ll be your lighthouse
When you’re lost at sea
And I will illuminate everything

No need to be frightened
By intimacy
No, just throw off your fear
And come running to Me

‘Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home
Keep on coming

And oh as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story
Baby, you’re almost home now
Please don’t quit now
You’re almost home to Me

She has over 5000 followers as of February 2016 so this post certainly isn’t about blog promotion because she doesn’t necessarily need that. But if you want to read something that is God focused and really good then click here.

 

Mole Moral~ Sometimes putting off till tomorrow what you can read today, leads to a really nice surprise.

 
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Session one Jesus is our filter

Stuart Hall was not a speaker this year at camp and my first thought “oh no camp won’t be right.” Yes, I know that I am never going to learn God knows better than me. The first three sessions were given by Gerald Fadayomi who is with Brown church a division of North Point. He was awesome. After session last night Josh said something to the effect that he has been coming to camp for many years and he was the best speaker. After this out of my mouth flies “I agree” like really loud. This had to be God yelling through me because I am not a loud person in a crowd of people I do not know.
This years theme is Filters and the first night was called the US filter. Everyone has a filter for their life and it’s how they see the world. Gerald gave some examples.
1. The fun filter~This person is all about fun, where the party is, or the class clown.
2. The fashion filter~ This person is all about fashion and sees the world through style. They judge people on what they are wearing. This is certainly not me as I pretty much wear Big Stuf t-shirts year round. And we won’t even talk about my lack of shoe wear.
3. The achievement filter~ This person is all about making straight A’s and maintaining the 4.3 GPA and climbing the corporate ladder of success.
4. The guy humor filter~ The guy that always waits till the perfect time to make stupid guy jokes.
5. The relationship filter~ The person who sees every one of the opposite sex as relationship worthy or not.
For most of my life my filter was trust no one and don’t let anyone get too close because I never knew when they might jump ship. This stemmed from my parents getting divorced. I did not even realize I viewed life this way until I met an awesome counselor nine years ago and attended Big Stuf camp. After I changed my filter, my life became a whole lot richer. One of the main points was how you see, is how you be. That really hit home for me.
Do not copy the behaviors and customs of this world but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. This would be my interpretation of some verses in Romans that I forgot to write down. God wants to have input in the way you see so Gerald suggested to change your behavior, you have to change your vision. I’ve been working on stopping cursing. Some days are better than others but I started by subing in dirt bag. I decided when I see curse words different, I will be different and no longer be a sailor mouth.

Mole moral ~ Dear God, Help me to set my filters aside so you can transform my mind. Love, CR

 

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How He Loves

How He Loves is by far the very best and most important song ever written. There is incredible meaning and a story that goes along with it that I will get to a little later in this post.

Most people do not know that I have had a headache for over a month straight. It all started at work during a meeting. I did write about my visit to the ER eight days later.(CR visits the ER) I remained headache free until the day after I finished the steroids and then it came right back. It finally got to the point that by five or six in the evening I could no longer function at work and the supervisor would have to watch my patients while I slept before I could even drive home. The last day I worked I realize now that I could barely function and people would talk to me but I could hardly register what they were saying. On a Saturday I started having numbness and tingling in my arm and face so I had my sister drop me off at the ER. This time they did not give me compazine because of the twitching and what they gave me did not touch my headache. They decided to admit me to do a MRI/MRV to check to make sure I did not have blood clots in my sinuses. All of that came back normal. I was in the hospital for six days and even had a lumbar puncture. Every single test was negative. Nothing they gave me got rid of the headache and I slept a lot more than I realized. So they sent me home on a Friday and said your headache will go away eventually. That weekend was horrible. I started throwing up on top of being in the worst pain of my life. I asked God several times to just take me to Heaven to be with my grandparents, but apparently Jesus isn’t ready for CR because I am still here. Finally on Tuesday the nausea left, the pain cut in half and I could sit up without feeling like my head was going to explode. For ten days I could really only tolerate laying on my right or left side I couldn’t even lay on my back without feeling like my head was going to explode. It was just awful.

Tonight I went to the Edge (our youth service) and its the first time I have been out of the house in over two weeks. I mean I have left to take short walks around the neighborhood but I have not been anywhere else besides the hospital. Tonight the band played How He Loves. It’s been a long time since I have sung that song at church. The first time I heard it was 2008 at Big Stuf camp. That was the first year I went to camp and it was a game changer for my life. During the camp for the first time I ever I could feel that God loved me. Prior to that I never felt anyone really loved me. I knew in my head people loved me but I couldn’t feel it.  This kind of talk did not go over well with my husband who told me basically that was the stupidest thing he had ever heard and I was wrong. I was already in counseling and that was the final straw, I started looking at apartments because I was finished with him. (A friend of mine told me about the movie Fireproof and we did The Love Dare and all things changed.) However for the next two years or so every single time I heard that song, I would end up crying by the time it was over. Well tonight that song started and the tears started full force. God was with me during one of the most difficult times in my life back then and I knew he was here with me right now. It was like he was saying hey CR I’m still here and you will get through this as well. I thought I could explain this experience in words but it’s just not working out.

My headache has greatly decreased which is how I am even able to write this blog. Usually when I try concentrating it starts ramping up but so far so good. I have an appointment with a headache neurologist on Thursday. They are calling this an irregular migraine. I am not really buying this as I have never had a migraine in my life. These headaches usually start in the teen years. Brian has had migraines since he was a kid and he said he has never seen anything like the way I have been. They wanted me to take a bunch of drugs to prevent the next one. I could not stand the drugged up way I felt so I stopped taking all of them. Plus why am I trying to prevent something that won’t even go away. We shall have a nice discussion at this appointment. I want the cause of the headache discovered and resolved, not sit around in a semi comatose state for the rest of my life.

How He Loves

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
Eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us, oh
Oh, how He loves us, how He loves us all

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
Eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

Oh, how He loves, yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us, oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

And we are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking

And heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

Oh, how He loves us, oh
Oh, how He loves us, how He loves all
How He loves

Yeah, He loves us, oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us, oh how He loves
Oh, I love

Yeah, He loves us, yeah, He loves us
How He loves us, oh, how He loves us all

 

Mole Moral ~ My final diagnosis will be NURSE CURSE!

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You reap what you sow

This was actually the theme of session three at camp this summer. My favorite speaker Stuart Hall spoke about it. He started off by showing the clip from the new star wars movie where the girl was fighting Hans Solo’s kid. I was so glad bus leader Dan conned us into watching it on the way down. He said everyone has a dark side and you must deal with that before you can live the prime life. The theme of camp this year was how to live a Prime life. Anyhow today matters, right now matters and your next decision matters. All affects what happens in the future. Galatians 6:7 God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Mocking was defined by Stuart as the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What you sow today, you reap tomorrow. So he left the kids with these questions:

  1. What wrong seed are you planting.
  2. What different seed do you need to start planting.
  3. Who’s going to help you plant?

Because I do not have the gift of writing a sermon (I am sure there is a name for this but I probably couldn’t spell it anyway), it often takes me quite a while to try to relate what I have heard to my own life but over the past weekend when my mother in law asked me who says I had to run twenty-four miles on Saturday this all fell into place.

First of all, no one says I have to. I have a training schedule that recommends sticking to it and not blowing off runs, especially the long weekend ones. It is totally up to me whether or not I do it. However, I have done two races that I wasn’t properly trained for. The first was a half marathon the weekend after my running friends John & Jennifer got married. I barely followed the training schedule and my longest run was six miles. This was probably six years ago and I can still see the exact spot around mile 9 where they were with a sign to cheer me on. I seriously thought about quitting and riding on home with them. I finished but my back was killing me and my legs hurt the next day. This April I wanted to do a full as my comeback after foot surgery times two. I had a race all picked out and it ended up conflicting with Emily’s white coat ceremony so I decided to a different one four weeks earlier. So about mile 22 my right thigh started burning and by the end I was looking at people wondering if I could offer someone, anyone to drive me to my car. Both were horrible races in that I did not enjoy them and probably prayed for death during this time.

So I have a choice, do all the runs in the schedule and be able to finish the thirty-one mile race enjoying it along the way or skip half of it and pray for death. I already signed up and paid for the race, so not doing it is not an option. So if you see me walking/running all over Arnold and South County this fall you will know I am planning to reap a good race by sowing all the runs.

 

Mole moral~ Even us old folks can learn something every year at camp.

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Big Stuf Prime Session 1

The first four hours of the bus ride were awful to the point I was thinking that maybe I was too old to be on the bus. The driver we had drives like I do. She was swerving back and forth and jamming on the brakes and running off the side of the road over the tracks that make the noise. Trying to sleep was a nightmare and whichever side I was laying on my hip would go numb. I seriously considered giving up on the seat and laying on the floor but by this time my spot had been overtaken by a teenager so I struggled on. Dan (my favorite kid, who really isn’t a kid anymore) was my bus leader again this year. He is hilarious and always has me cracking up. He makes the time go by a lot faster. He also didn’t make us play the get to know your bus neighbor game which always gives me horrible anxiety. The outside seats rotate around the bus and you have to talk to each other. I seriously am shy when it comes to talking to new people so this is a way out of my comfort zone experience. However had it not been for this game I would not have met my two favorite Dan’s. My very first year I met Dan P who told me I didn’t look over 22. What a charmer! I still keep up with him through Facebook. I met Dan the bus leader four years ago when I put my favorite restaurant was Steak n shake, and his was subway. He said something like we skinny people need to stick together. I said time out I am not naturally skinny. That was at the prime of my running when I was super thin. Anyway calling me 22 and skinny makes me love you forever! So Dan persuaded us all to watch Star Wars 7 since he had never seen it. The movie played with sound until it started and then it went silent. So he restarted it and the same thing so he started it with subtitles. He then started reading us the words over the microphone and acting out the sounds. It was awesome and hilarious. He is such a good kid. The sound finally started working and I can say I watched the entire thing waiting for them to find Luke. Can I just say all those people look so old and yet I am still in sixth grade when the original movie came out. It’s funny how everyone ages and gets older except for me.

This year the theme for Big Stuf is Prime and I forgot my ink pen to take notes so I had to take pictures of what was written on the screen so I could write this note. On a side note, I forgot all kinds of stuff this trip. I forgot my headphones, a sports bra, I lost my phone on the bus and I also lost my charger. I almost lost my fitbit charger as well. Next year I am going to rethink what bags I bring so that I am not dropping stuff and losing it. Stuart Hall spoke for the first session and he was awesome as always. The kids can relate to him and tune in nicely. I am sure a few weren’t listening but I would bet at least eight percent of the room was tuned in. The bible verse tonight was actually Herc’s life verse John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. He focused on the last part that Jesus wants us to live our life to the full. He put this really cool diagram up about strength and weakness and how people think strength is what you need and those people are usually so obnoxious no one likes them. But he talked about people who withdraw and that was me a good part of my life. I really wish I would have had a pen to take notes because it made perfect sense then and now I cannot even think of a way to explain it. Here are some key talking points.

God had a purpose for your life before anyone else had an opinion. I wonder if his purpose matched how I turned out. I mean was his purpose for me to be a nurse and on the women’s health floor. Most days I feel that is right where I am supposed to be.

Your best life is found only by placing it in the best hands. That would be Jesus’s hands and not the worlds. That’s easy to spout off but not always so easy to try to live out. The world offers fun and excitement that usually turns into a nightmare. Jesus offers a harder way but a life with fewer regrets.

Lastly, ten years from now make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it. I really feel I chose most of my life. I chose to go to nursing school, I chose to get married, I chose to have kids, I chose to work at Mercy, I chose to take the kids to Kid Stuf and become involved with Oak Bridge, I chose to be the camp nurse. I could probably go on and on. Maybe I need to think of some stuff that happened that I didn’t choose. I am sure I blocked all of that but I bet my mom can come up with a ton of stuff!

Session one has come to a close and I am totally excited for tomorrow to see what it brings.

 

Mole Moral ~ I am saying this for the hundredth time, it’s the best week of the year and I wish every single teenager in America coud experience this camp just one time in their life!

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Cruise Notes Episode 2

Everyone knows a cruise is all about the food and what better thing to write about than the people we had dinner with. The first night it was just Kayla and I and two sisters who were from Oklahoma. I thought that was really interesting since that is where Emily is currently for PT clinical’s. One was a teacher and the other was finishing up school. They both had red hair so that made them cool. I can only remember Anna’s name. They were also a little shy so not too much talking went on that first night. It was the second night when the party started. First Laney and Jessica showed up and then a couple whose names I cannot remember or where they were from. He would be the only dude at the table. The life of the party arrived next Rose and her x-sister in law Florence. That is really how she introduced them. Apparently Florence was married to Rose’s brother for thirty years until he became stupid and they remained friends. Florence was from Detroit and Rose lives in Jacksonville. Now Laney said she was from Missouri too but probably no one ever heard of it, Moberly. I said yes I knew where that was as the friend I got my beagle from (way back a hundred years ago) had cousins from there. Actually Brian had even been hunting up there. Such a small world. Laney also said her entire life people would call her Lanny. Well that immediately made me think of Lanny Donoho who founded and ran Big Stuf camp for around twenty-five years. (Camp is six weeks away!) Laney reminded me and Kayla so much of Allyson except for she’s about two foot taller! But they have the same hair cut, similar glasses, and mannerisms. She really was a lot of fun and combined with Rose the two of them talked and entertained the table the entire time. It was a blast for Kayla and I who don’t always talk much but listen to everything. Cruise with Steve

One lucky dude at a table with 9 good-looking women.

Our waiter was wonderful. His name was Phillip but I cannot remember where he was from. He really enjoyed the nightly performances the waiters put on for us. He was all smiles and really got into the singing and dancing. Just watching him was pure joy.

Rose was probably the best of everyone. She reminded me so much of my mom, crazy and fun all in one. She quickly noticed there was a table of hot young guys two tables over. She decided she was going over there to talk to them and have their picture taken. She found out they had just graduated from high school and were a baseball team. This was their farewell trip before they all went off to different colleges. They loved having their picture taken and ended up hanging out with her quite a bit in the casino. We asked them to take our picture and the one guy let Kayla know the other thought she was beautiful. After that I did notice the guys looked our way quite a bit.

Rose with hotties

The food was pretty good especially when the last desert of the cruise was my favorite. Lime sherbet and baked Alaska! I have loved that since I was a little kid and the best story involves me in middle school. We had just come back from ice cream and my mom decided to drive through Dave Montgomery (I had a huge crush on him from 4-8 grade) subdivision. He just happened to be outside and I panicked and jumped in the floor board and dropped the ice-cream.  I cannot not remember if I had baked alaska  before. I had always wanted to make it but was too afraid. If you don’t do the meringue correctly the ice-cream melts and it’s a big disaster. It was really good. The sisters always thought it was fish! They tried it as well. That was the night everyone had either two or three deserts.

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My husband asked me every night if we had steak and lobster. The answer was no, although if we wanted to cough up another twenty bucks we could. I did throw high fat, low carb out the window for the week and jumped back on program when I got home. There was soft serve ice-cream available 24/7 and there was no way I was skipping that opportunity.

 

Mole moral~ Never pass up good food on a cruise! One week eating like a crazy person will not kill you. I’m still alive so I’m living proof.

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We Are Camp Nine “Made New”

This may be the first time I have actually written about every session. I usually have great intentions to do so but get home and back in the real world and out of sight out of mind. Sad but true. The last session was about being made new through what Jesus did on the cross. All of our sins are forgiven: past, present, and future. Things in the universe break down naturally over time. Just look around, except at me. God doesn’t want to improve who we are but implement a permanent new through Jesus. So because of Jesus you stay new no matter what you do.

This all lead up to what I call the “altar call”. Except at camp, people don’t come down to the front but just stand if they have decided they want to follow Jesus. After that the camp breaks into their small groups and the small group leaders talk to the kids and pray with them that they believe in Jesus and accept him into their heart. This is such a much better way than when I was a kid. Every week the church I went to had an altar call. The congregation would sing Just As I Am which the pastor would say things like “If Jesus is calling you to come down front and you don’t come and you die this week you will go to HELL.” Do you know how scary that was for a kid. I wasn’t sure if Jesus was calling me or not. (I was around the age of 10). What if he was and I didn’t go down and I died? Would I burn in Hell forever? It was scary to get out of your seat and walk down to the front but I finally did it but I have no recollection of my age or the date or even the time of the year. I do remember going to a small room and a lady praying with me. I think somewhere around 30 kids from our church stood up. Earlier in the day 14 of our kids were baptized in the ocean. They were kids who had already accepted Jesus and now were publicly identifying with him. In a couple of weeks we are having a baptism service at church and the kids that were baptized will tell their story and then the church will show the video of their baptism. Baptism services are the best.

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This was the first year I had a Fitbit tracker at camp. I set a record for total steps for the week. I was 10 weeks post surgery and for the first time in two years had two feet that weren’t on fire! I could have done without knowing how little sleep I got. I am an 8-9 hour a day person so an average of 5 did not cut it. Although I did nap and sleep on the bus, most of them did not register as sleep because my heart rate was not low enough to be considering sleeping. My heart rate is around 42-44 when I sleep. The sign of a finely tuned athlete! Hahahaha. This totally explains why it took me three days to recover! I was talking about some of the nurse stuff that happened at camp. I was busier than I realized but I enjoy every moment. I must give a huge shout out to my roommate Lynn who is so helpful. Especially when a kid would wake me up out of a nap and I wasn’t fully awake. She would make suggestions. She was talking about not coming next year because all of her kids are grown but I being selfish said who am I going to room with and who is going to keep me on track. She did get to observe me in full on nurse mode. When the girl was dehydrated and started puking and was not responding to my satisfaction, my spidey senses went in full gear and I started bossing people around to get done what I needed to get done! That usually means I am panicking but not showing it! The kids asked me why I didn’t just start an IV and run fluids in. Well folks, that would be practicing medicine without a licence. The state board of nursing puts a paper out every 3 months and it always lists what nurses get in trouble for. One time a nurse started and IV on another nurse and gave her a bag of fluids. I can’t remember if she was hung over or pregnant but the nurse that did that got her license on probation. So there will be no IV starts at Big Stuf camp!

 

Mole Moral~ It is only 362 more days until Oak Bridge leaves for Big Stuf! I will be honored to go as the nurse again next year! It’s the best busiest, exhausting week of the year! I wouldn’t have it any other way. There is nothing more awesome than watching kids understand there is a God who loves them!